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[ironism]

What happened to: kidnapping is bad, we're never doing that ever, I'm not dirtying my image and losing my millions of Instagram followers, boo hoo hoo?

[pursuitofcappiness]

I have what followers?

No, I'm suiting up so we can go rescue whoever's being kidnapped, let's go.

[ironism]

Hold on a sec. You're not the one who's been posting those sweaty gym workouts you do on your IG story that has about a few million people thirsting on a daily basis?

[pursuitofcappiness]

Is someone actually kidnapped or not? You're not putting any urgency into this.

And, I don't know, I might have posted a couple workouts to a website, is it IG? It was whatever Nat signed me up for.

[ironism]

Kidnapping's in progress. It's not really a big deal though. Not as big as... Wow. You posted these videos for all to see, huh? You know these clips are being manipulated and they're all over the internet now?

But anyway, why are you listening to Nat for? Is she trying to set you up on a date?

[pursuitofcappiness]

What do you mean, kidnapping is in progress? Tony, I need details. Who's being kidnapped? Do we have a lead on where they are? Talk to me about internet website things later, this is serious.

[ironism]

You bet it's serious. It's Rhodey's birthday. Or well, it was last week. He's been refusing to celebrate it. We're doing a thing at my new place. You didn't get the Evite? Did I forget to send you one? Just keep the suit on and come on over.

[pursuitofcappiness]

Sorry, we're kidnapping Rhodey?

Tony, why didn't you just say it like that in the first place?

[ironism]

Where's the fun in you not scrambling to put on your suit and getting all huffy and puffy, and I'll blow your something, something...? So. You coming or what?

[pursuitofcappiness]

House down.

Fine.

What's the dress code?

[ironism]

You couldn't think of anything else to blow? Don't answer that if you're gonna frown all night. Dress code is sexy, which means in your case, wear whatever. ✌️

[pursuitofcappiness]

You mean like balloons? Bombs? Fish?

Not sure I know how to dress sexy, that's more your thing. Is business casual okay?

[ironism]

Come on. Get dirtier. I know you can do it. And put on a tie. A red one. For me.

[pursuitofcappiness]

You wish, Tony.

And sure, I will. Should I get him anything? I didn't last year, but then on mine he got me something, so I'm not sure what the protocol is.

[ironism]

Yeah? All I gotta do is wish? On my birthday then?

I don't know. Maybe get him a pack of condoms. Something useful. Oh, hey. How about some jelly beans? I'd love some.

[pursuitofcappiness]

Tony, this isn't a wishlist for your birthday.

He's a practical guy, I'll ask him directly.

But I guess now I know what to get you in May. I hope you love jelly beans.

[ironism]

My birthday's in May? Really? I didn't know that. So, I'm not getting jelly beans tonight? I could eat it off of you.

[pursuitofcappiness]

Nice try, Tony. Your birthday's May 29th. Any thoughts to what you'll want then?

[ironism]

Aside from you in a birthday suit? Maybe some donuts.

[pursuitofcappiness]

I'll see what I can do.

So, this party, it's a surprise?

[ironism]

Oh, you better do something, Cap. I've been plenty nice. I think I'm deserving of something extra naughty.

Uh... Considering Rhodey's getting dragged here through a fake kidnapping thingy, I'm guessing it'll be a majorly big surprise. You wanna come round asap before he punches me in the face when he realizes what's happened?

[pursuitofcappiness]

Sure, I'll protect you from Rhodey. But maybe if you don't kidnap him, you won't get punched. Just a thought.

And you haven't been good at all. But what's gotten into you tonight? You're really enjoying trying to make passes at me. It's not really shocking anymore, if that's what you were going for.

[ironism]

Maybe if he'd stop saying no to me organizing a party in his honor, we wouldn't be in this situation. See? Not everything is my fault.

Ia it shocking for me to tell you what I want? I didn't think so. I mean, I did totally not go to church with you when you invited me to go with you that time, and then I slept with a bunch of people that wasn't you, and I've been giving you mixed signals all month long, or longer...

But I am trying to make it up to you. Because, you know, I do like you.

[pursuitofcappiness]

Hold on, what? I mean yeah, I didn't exactly think you liked me for all the reasons you just listed. Especially the sleeping with other people part, which I'm not judging you for by the way, but I am just confused.

And why are you telling me this all on text? If this is a joke at my expense, Tony, it's not a very funny one.

[ironism]

Look, what does it matter if it's a text? Does it still even count as texting if I'm using voice-to-text? The thing is, I'm apologizing for being an ass. I don't want you to think I don't care about you and your extra blond hair. Because I do. Sometimes it scares me how much I do care. And that kinda sucks.

Here's the thing. I'm just not ready to be in another relationship after Pepper pretty much dumped my ass. But I don't want you to think I don't value what we have and all the times we've spent together. And now I sound like a cheap goddamn Hallmark card. Jesus. What I'm saying is that I like you. But I also don't want to screw it up. So, here we are. It's complicated. I know.