[Steve seems to be going through something and Tony's a bit too addled to really understand what. But it's something enough, and he reaches an uncoordinated hand up, tips of his fingers tracing the line of Steve's jaw and then clumsily trying to hold the side of his face. It was a joke- haha funny. But that's often how he cloaks his trauma, the things that have sat in his chest after burrowing there despite his wishes. Yes, he carries these things with him. Always. More so because he never does work to undo any of them. Letting them harden his exterior-
But it's less that. He and Steve are far over that hump. He's so in love with the man he barely knows what to do with himself most of the time they're together. Can't imagine a life where they're not like this and less like that. The version of himself that he's joking about.
His arm flops back down towards the bed outstretched, and his brow arches, soft smile tugging at his lips when Steve presses there. He's moving again then, same arm that had just crash-landed back to the bed lifting, wobbly, so he can take Steve's hand and hold it against the side of his face instead.]
And everything about you is definitely more special than what came out of a bottle.
[That sounds right enough. Not that he's got enough of a filter to recalibrate sentences properly. But if they're in the middle of correcting their very earliest misgivings, he wants to play his part too.]
Also at this point- it's you- definitely. If anyone can judge me. So. You're wrong about that. You're always on the right side of everything. You're better. What you say goes.
[Lifting his hand yet again, as always unable to remain still even when inebriated, he gives one of those mock two fingered salutes and a sunnier smile. But this he means, too. Steve's the best out of all of them, not that he likes any of the Avengers less. But Steve's his north star, sometimes his moral compass, and, yes, generally always right. Much as Tony purports to be. And to Tony, he'll always be the better man of the two of them.]
[ At the time, Steve had been lost, feeling a little bit adrift. He'd lost pretty much everything, including his sense of self, his sense of belonging anywhere, as he'd been displaced in time. And so, when Tony had accused him of those things, yes, he'd taken it personally. When he'd expected Tony to have welcomed him like his father had, yes, he'd maybe held it against him a little bit.
It's not an excuse for what Steve had said to Tony. And likewise, Tony's feelings of meeting Steve, a ghost for whom he'd competed with for his father's love, is also not an excuse for things he'd said, either. But he supposes like he understands and forgives Tony for having said them a long time ago, he has to accept that Tony does, too.
He cups Tony's cheek and gently plays with his beard. ]
Well if that's true, then stop telling me I'm biased whenever I say nice things about you.
[ Got him there. And he knows it'll take more than his words to get Tony to believe it. Tony has to want to believe that he's good, that he's just as good a man as Steve is. He can only do his part, but he can't bring Tony to that conclusion.
A small smile tugs on his lips when Tony gives him a salute. He might've thought it sarcastic once upon a time, but now with a ring on Tony's bent finger - a ring that Steve had helped to design and to forge himself, he knows the intent is only filled with love.
[Aiming a dopey smile his way, like he knows this to be the entire truth of things. In fact, so much so, that he reaches up to poke Steve in the chest for emphasis. Then with that very same uncoordinated hand he lifts further up to attempt to poke the tip of Steve's nose but he's clearly moving around far too much for that because he ends up nudging his cheek instead at first, and then slowly drags his finger towards his nose.
Steve is biased by love- especially considering how enduring and intense theirs is for each other. But. That's okay. Steve does also have a point that Tony has a point. Or however this is working out. He doesn't have enough brain power to continue to refute or try to do the math on this one.
Still lazing in his lap, looking up at him, Steve's smile seems to put Tony in an endless feedback loop with the one he's wearing. Though he does seem only slightly confused about the question until he thinks he gets why it's being asked.]
Why? You gonna warm me up?
[Really if he lies there for five minutes uninterrupted he'll probably fall asleep. But until that happens, like always, he's enamored with Steve and will keep talking to him or simply listening to him talk for as long as he can.]
[ Of course Tony would still be flirtatious even though he's so drunk he's talking about old halloween costumes. Though Tony had promised quite a few things tonight, Steve won't exactly be heartbroken if they don't get around to doing them, since he also adores these little chats.
And, also, he won't admit it but sitting and listening to Tony bare some part of his soul that he didn't even want Steve to see is more intimate than the act of sex. Well. Okay, it's at least more intimate than the act of drunken sex, because it's still very hard to beat how Tony always makes Steve feel.
He gives a jovial roll of his eyes and gives Tony's nose a little pinch. ]
Yes, by putting you under the blankets and joining you.
[ And normally, he'd ask Tony to help him take his clothes off, but he's not sure it'd be a good idea to sit Tony back up again, so he starts unbuttoning his shirt, though if Tony wants to help, he can always get Steve's pants.
He assumes Tony's going to be no help, or worse than, but Steve loves him all the same.
And, of course, in a single quiet moment, his thought strays back to the thing his thoughts usually stray to now. ]
You know, the hardest thing about writing my vows is that for some reason I keep thinking there's gonna be a perfect thing to say to you, and I just haven't found it yet. I feel like the harder I look for it, the further away it gets from me.
[His mood is liable to swing wildly back and forth when things catch his attention. Right now the one thing worth doing is, obviously, flirting with him. Which is always rewarding and never a bad idea. Which is why the very next thing out of his mouth with an attempt at a seductive smirk that might be marred by how drunk he is-]
You could put something in me instead.
[And he thinks that's a great line. He also thinks Steve thinks that's a great line because wow there goes his shirt and Tony's hand lifts in a wobble, like the weight of his entire arm is too heavy, gravity turned up a bit, and plants his heavy hand against Steve's chest. The touch is less flirtatious and he might almost immediately forget, again, what his plans were. Even if he had any.
Because instead of feeling him up he kind of just holds steady there against Steve's heart. Enjoying that deep thrum underneath his fingertips. That heart is his, forever they're very agreed now, and he'd do anything to protect it. It catches him a little that Steve must be feeling sentimental too and he tries so hard to parse through everything being said and not say something stupid in return- because he does realize he's very drunk.]
You have a knack for always saying the right thing at the right time. And not just- not just your Cap speeches- though I think we agree you're great at rallying. But sometimes you'll just look at me and say something that makes me feel like-
[His eyes squint in concentration because he's really trying okay.]
-I couldn't be loved like anyone loves me- like you love me- there's a pre-you and a post-you and I'm settled. I couldn't go back.
[Nope. None of that made sense. Probably. But he tries one more thing.]
Don't worry about the vows so much. Whatever you end up saying will be the thing I was waiting to hear. That's how it always is with you.
[...was that better? He's at least smiling like it was.]
[ There's no real action behind these words here, because they've happily moved onto being sweet instead.
He knows that whatever he says, that Tony will love it, because he always does. But he wants more than to just touch him, he wants to tell him something he'll never forget. That he'll take until his dying days, that he'll remind Steve of someday when they're old.
He wants it to stick with Tony as long as "you're not the guy to make the sacrifice play" has. He wants whatever he says to completely erase and supplant that.
It's a tall order. ]
I know. I just want it to be perfect. For you.
[ He takes off his tank top too, and works gently on his pants, trying not to shift Tony too much as he gets out of them, kicks them off all the way, pats the empty spot on the bed. ]
Let me lay down with you?
[ He thinks even if Tony starts anything up, he'll likely fall asleep partway through making out, but it's fine. It's cute. Steve loves this side of him, even though he'll be happy never to see it again, if it keeps Tony on the wagon.
And, regardless, he does shift them around so he can get them both in a lying position on the bed, what with Tony being much more difficult to move as a noodly drunk, but no match for Steve. He turns his head a bit, and rests it on Tony's shoulder. ]
You never talk to me about your childhood. I know you didn't like it, but there must've been some good times, right? Like Halloween?
[He says this with all the drunken confidence he can muster but mostly he knows he's right. He's generally always right about most things except a few huge things we don't need to talk about- but Steve, especially, he knows will say the exact perfect thing when they're standing up there. Not a doubt in his mind.
Steve moving around gets a breathy noise that's mostly a whine that he thinks twice about a little too late because, hey, Steve's getting naked. And he's very all about that, hands a bit overly touchy right before Steve makes a request and since Tony can normally never say no to him he just nods. And doesn't really do much else to facilitate this request because moving seems really hard.
But thankfully he has Steve for that, who gets him upright and the both of them laid down where he then soaks up every physical inch of Steve's space and warmth possible.
Then Steve's asking him something when he was in the middle of drifting, not particularly off to sleep but just comfortably drunk drifting and he has to remember words. Worse yet he has to remember things.]
Jarvis made everything better.
[One of the sunnier spots in his childhood apparently, and one of the things he thinks to say for whatever reason.]
We did a few Halloweens. Maybe three or four. He and my mom would take me out- mom would leave when I wanted to stay out longer but he'd stay for me. They tried. I didn't make it easy.
[One wonders where talk like that comes from.]
I ripped my costume one time right before we were supposed to go out and I thought that meant they wouldn't take me so I made a big deal about it and he busted out a sewing kit right there and stitched it up.
[Thoughts colliding into each other, words in an endless freefall until he stops telling that story. Eyes closed, breathing out a long sigh, quietly he says after that small lapse,]
I miss Jarvis.
[And JARVIS. And his mom. And sure, his dad, too. Siberia wasn't that long ago. He doesn't wanna think about any of this.]
[ He never means to drudge up bad feelings in Tony, but somehow he always manages to. It's why he never wants to talk about his childhood, even if all Steve wants him to do is focus on the good parts of it. The parts where he'd been happy.
Jarvis had been a wonderful man. Steve's all the worse off for never having had the opportunity to meet him, he's sure of it.
But he doesn't want to hurt Tony by talking more about him when he knows that he always takes the good things well like everyone else, yes, but the hard things so much harder. ]
Trick or treating wasn't really a thing in my childhood, wasn't until I was a teenager that it really caught on. I guess --
[ He means to say Buck and I, but what he just says is singular. ]
--I tried to go a couple Halloween parties, but they weren't really for me.
[ He gently brushes Tony's hair back, and dots kisses on his shoulder, also ready to drift off anytime they decide to finish this conversation. ]
We could try this year. I'll even let you pick the costumes if you remember this tomorrow.
[There's a definite lull to his tone, though some of it is just a little dreamy. Like he actually is dreaming up this scenario- Steve, much smaller than he's used to, holding his hands together in some corner while rowdy teens are drinking and having a good time, and he's very much not.]
It's 'cuz I wasn't throwing them. You do better, when they're mine.
[Does this make sense? No. Does it need to? Also no. His idea simply being that Steve seems to always have a better time when Stark Parties are happening. But more than that, just that they both have a better time, when they're both together. Definitely doesn't make sense in this context but it makes him happy.
And he exhales, soft and slow, eyes closing and staying that way this time, snuggling in just a little more. Definitely enjoying those gentle touches that threaten to send him drifting so far down he'll be there for a while. Until the morning when he's far less amicable and sweet.]
You'll regret that. I think maybe. Fishnets. Or leather. Sexy cop's too obvious. Maybe I'll put you in one of those Iron Dancer costumes. You'd look great in that.
[The incredibly revealing ones with the booty shorts, the bras, the gloves. Yes. Steve would look great in those. Even the heels, he bets.]
[ He does do better at Stark parties, because even back when they'd been just coworkers and could barely call each other friends, Tony had tried his hardest to make sure there were plenty of Steve-friendly activities for him to do at them, like that other veterans were invited so he'd have someone to talk to.
It was sweet, in a way. Tony always knew how to make everyone feel like they were having a good time. Even now, just drunk and lying in Steve's lap and talking about things that won't happen for a few months yet, it feels... nice. Relaxing. And that Steve wouldn't rather be anywhere else. ]
Only if you put on one of those old USO dancer uniforms. Bet your legs would look nice putting on those little silver heels.
[ He reaches down to give his thighs a little pat. And he's sure Tony's not serious, because Steve is probably not going to show up anywhere in hot shorts without making headlines, but he would maybe put on a modified and slightly less revealing outfit.
He'd put on the heels, if Tony wanted to see him with ridiculously defined quads and about seven foot tall with the platforms. ]
You know, the first helmet I ever wore with the costume on was one of the girls'. But I always preferred the hats.
[ He mimes putting a helmet on Tony, and then mimes lifting it, then kissing his forehead. ]
I think even if we don't end up with those costumes, you should get one anyway, and model it for me.
Sure. Order one- would have FRIDAY do it but there are rules when I'm this drunk.
[At least that's a thing, right? That he has contingencies? Probably for very real reasons. Otherwise, yes, he probably literally would have asked her to find and order the most authentic outfit possible with his measurements and it'd have been there in a couple days.
...which is why he has to have protocols.
His blinks are slow, eyes half-lidded and smile wide and sunny, even if a little still alcohol-dazed as he looks at Steve. Although his eyes similarly drift closed once again at that kiss to his forehead. He turns in a little more, occupying every crevice he can, leaving no free space between him and Steve as he magnetizes into his side and cuddles in.]
Done deal. Hat- hairpins- hairspray and all. Anything you want. All you have to do is say.
[And even though he's still incredibly intoxicated, this much is the truth. He'd do anything for Steve. Certainly fun bedroom escapades. But everything else, too. Which is why, as he rests a hand over Steve's heart, he feels like he needs to remember to say-]
I love you. Thanks.
[There's a small beat between that last word and his next thought, he might have dozed off. But he finishes the sentiment eventually.]
[ He knows all he has to do is say the word and have Tony at his beck and call, doing anything for him, saying anything for him. And that's scary some days, knowing he has that power over him, knowing Tony has that power over him in return. But Steve's had people that he'd do anything for, all his life. So that part isn't the one that makes him feel dizzy with vertigo.
No, it's how unreasonable Tony could get when he wants to do something for Steve, when he wants to ensure Steve's happiness or his safety.
Someday, he thinks, that'll get them into a whole load of trouble. But today, he'll happily press more kisses to Tony's face, pepper them on his cheek and his nose and finally, his mouth. ]
I always will, sweetheart.
[ But then he furrows his brow. ]
Well, I love you. And I didn't even do anything. Just drove you home.
[ He takes Tony's hand and kisses the inside of his wrist, lays it gently on his cheek, cuddles into him so they can settle in for the night. Tony's not making a whole lot of sense right now but he often doesn't. And when he's drunk, he's at his most honest. It's not that he ever lies or really hides things from Steve, but he does want him to keep going because these are the most unfiltered, slightly inscrutable Tony thoughts he could possibly receive, and he treasures them. ]
[His eyelids feel too heavy to keep open at this point. He's on the cusp- but Steve's still moving around a little, even if it's to settle them all the more. He's comfortable. And warm. It's nice. But there's a narrative here that obviously he can't just leave alone.]
You always come. When I call. Sometimes even when I don't. But you know.
[The times when Steve shows up for him even when Tony doesn't ask for him are the most important parts, he feels. Times when he'd rather soldier on alone, never mind the mountain of reasons why during any given moment. Those are the most precious. Those are the most important.
Because that's how this started, after all. Tony didn't put out a call, when he was suffering and determined to be alone. But Steve heard one anyway.]
You do everything. So don't say that.
[Almost like he's annoyed that Steve would try to say otherwise. To lessen the seriousness of how much Tony means this. Because he does. In his drunken, unintelligible way.]
Break the fall- I think that's what I said- you're always there, even when I was sure I'd have to hit the ground.
[Pick up. Carry on. Fix himself and walk whatever the hell he's talking about off. Any number of scenarios where he pulls his whole lone wolf act that people get increasingly mad at because he does have people. Even when he tries not to involve them in his messes. But Steve's stubborn, and sometimes he needs that too.
...just not a lot of that is translating right now.]
Even if it's just a ride home. That's what I needed. You always know.
[ He definitely thinks this confession is no longer about the drive home, but Tony's emphatic about it. He'd do this for anyone though, because that's the kind of guy Steve is. But he understands - he'd do little favors for anyone, but he'd go to the ends of the earth for Tony.
And sometimes, that's not what's even needed. Sometimes, he just needs someone to reach out and offer him a hand and refuse to pull it away. Sometimes it's just so easy and for some reason, no one's already done it for Tony. ]
Then I'm lucky. To be the guy that breaks your fall. Because, Tony, you always get up.
[ That's something admirable about him, a trait that they both share. Steve won't stay down and neither will Tony. Sometimes even when Tony's back is against the wall are times he does the best.
But Steve also thinks that's not a necessary component. ]
And I love to take care of you.
[ He thinks of it as a privilege, to get to do that, to get to brush his hair back and tell him sweet things and make him soup when he's sick and force him to accept the hospital stays when he's injured. ]
[Comes the judgement, with a smile on his lips. Thankfully the lapse in explanation isn't that long. But he's still snuggled in and about one foot out the door consciousness wise.]
That makes me the lucky one.
[He knows this by now. It's one of the reasons he wants to marry Steve. To hold onto him forever. Because the way Steve loves him, the way Steve makes him feel, the way Steve comes to his rescue even sometimes when he denies needing one at all-
It's like nothing else. Intoxicating and wonderful and it makes a part of him that's been bereft for a long time feel whole. Better. And in that tangle of thoughts that's what comes out.]
-'m better with you. Because you love me. Because I love you. [A tiny and obviously still very drunk laugh precedes the next immediate thought.] No spoilers on vows. But I do love you. Always will.
If you don't say 'I love you' at least twice in your vows, I think I'll doubt you wrote 'em.
[ That's a bit of a joke, but they do say it quite a lot, so it's not much of a spoiler or an exaggeration. He doesn't quite know just yet how to phrase it either: that Tony's the best thing he's ever had, that Tony always knows what Steve needs, that Tony always puts everything aside to attend to Steve, that he's never known love quite like this.
And loving Tony does make him feel like he's become a better man, and that all the blues left in his life are nothing but sky instead. ]
I don't think you know how easy it is to love you, Tony.
[ It comes as naturally to Steve as breathing does. He's hoping that Tony feels the same way about Steve. ]
You make it that way.
[ He knows Tony's about to fall asleep, and he should get some shut-eye too. But it seems like the two of them keep getting into this situation where they keep wanting to tell the other how much the other means to them first. ]
[Against Steve's chest as he nestles in there, there's some murmurs that have no definite shape. Words that aren't really formed until finally a half sentence escapes into the air-]
-have to take your word for it.
[Because he's not sure he believes it. Not sure why that would be true. He's trouble and he's exhausting, sometimes they get heated and usually it's his fault- so he thinks. Even if they always work it out. There's also a mountain of shadows he never seems to be able to escape from. Things he doesn't like dwelling on but that have woven scars into him he might never be rid of. Just dull, over time.
If Steve says it some part of it must be true, but he thinks, as he always does, there's probably a bias there. A rose-colored lens that being in love makes the idea of loving him easier.
Even if that is true, and he's sure some part of it is, in a tired murmur-]
[ Well, he does take that in the way that Tony loves himself but finds it difficult, and not that Tony doesn't love himself, because he would find that altogether too depressing to think about.
So he pushes that thought aside and resolves to love Tony enough for the two of them in any case, so that the point will become moot. ]
I do. Endlessly. Unconditionally. And I hope if you don't remember anything else from tonight that you remember that.
[ He assumes Tony's sobered up enough to remember this bit, anyway, but that it might get lost in the shuffle of his hangover tomorrow morning. Regardless, Steve will be repeating it over and over again. ]
You don't want anyone to know how much you care, how kind you are. You're good with kids. You don't see it, but you always guide them to do their best.
You're such a hard worker. You never have to work again, but you do. And it's not for you, it's not for legacy, it's not for money or influence. You do it because you're the only one who can. Because you want to make the world a better place.
Can I keep going? You're gonna have to let me keep going when we get up to the altar.
[There's a smile tugging at the corners of his lips, something that seems to have been a little bit of a permanent fixture since Steve showed up tonight. Steve, his favorite person, his best friend, his hero. And here he is, waxing poetic about all the good things about Tony. Things Tony isn't in a rush to see- doesn't really think on and doesn't really know if they're actually true.
Steve sees him with a kinder eye. And it's nice. To be bathed in that light. It always is. Even if it's sometimes a little too bright. A little too hard to sit under when he thinks that there are just too many other underlying factors, negative things. A large ugly life that came before he decided to make a change- and mistakes he still keeps making.
He's lucky for Steve's love this much is true. And his thoughts are a little too clouded still to start doing the refuting song and dance. Definitely not sharp enough to twist away from the commentary or redirect.
A yawn comes before his next answer, still buried into Steve's shoulder.]
Save it. For the altar, but keep talking. Your voice is one of my favorite things.
[Which has been a consistent thread for him. He loves listening to Steve's stories, loves listening to him talk about his day, about their current plans on or off the field- about anything. There's something about that deep cadence, the vibration in his chest while he's so near. The thought that he'd like to curl up on top of him, much like a cat, apparently wins out a little bit when loose uncoordinated limbs push up and he perches himself atop Steve to rest his head directly against Steve's chest, further lulled almost immediately by the strong beat of his heart.
And it doesn't matter- if Steve's been talking during the transition or started now- or even asked Tony what the hell he's doing- in a very unconnected thought while he realizes he's ten seconds to lights out, comfortable and comforted by Steve, he feels like it's very important to say one last thing-]
[ Before he was Captain America, no one had any reason to care about anything he'd had to say. And often, no one cares about what Steve Rogers wants to talk about, they only care about Cap's opinion, and Cap's words.
But Tony, his sweet Tony, doesn't care if Steve takes out the dictionary and starts reading it, he just wants to hear his voice. He hangs onto all the words as if they all have equal importance. He's smitten. And, despite not having to choose his words carefully at all, he does want to make sure they're all good ones, for Tony. ]
Thought about you all day today. And I'm thinking tomorrow we might have to cancel on Thor, but if you're feeling better by afternoon, we could all go out.
I think he wants to share some things that they do at weddings in Asgard.
And I think maybe he wants to ask us how weddings are done here, for, you know. Him and Jane.
[ All this is said with such a quiet lull, knowing that Tony's probably not even going to respond, that it's barely making its way into his consciousness. He can hear it in the way Tony's breathing slows. He always looks so peaceful when he's about to fall asleep, that Steve doesn't even want to say his name, in case it makes him wake up. Steve drops his voice down to a whisper, instead. ]
So we'll have to set a good example for them, sweetheart. But we can talk about it tomorrow morning.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
But it's less that. He and Steve are far over that hump. He's so in love with the man he barely knows what to do with himself most of the time they're together. Can't imagine a life where they're not like this and less like that. The version of himself that he's joking about.
His arm flops back down towards the bed outstretched, and his brow arches, soft smile tugging at his lips when Steve presses there. He's moving again then, same arm that had just crash-landed back to the bed lifting, wobbly, so he can take Steve's hand and hold it against the side of his face instead.]
And everything about you is definitely more special than what came out of a bottle.
[That sounds right enough. Not that he's got enough of a filter to recalibrate sentences properly. But if they're in the middle of correcting their very earliest misgivings, he wants to play his part too.]
Also at this point- it's you- definitely. If anyone can judge me. So. You're wrong about that. You're always on the right side of everything. You're better. What you say goes.
[Lifting his hand yet again, as always unable to remain still even when inebriated, he gives one of those mock two fingered salutes and a sunnier smile. But this he means, too. Steve's the best out of all of them, not that he likes any of the Avengers less. But Steve's his north star, sometimes his moral compass, and, yes, generally always right. Much as Tony purports to be. And to Tony, he'll always be the better man of the two of them.]
no subject
It's not an excuse for what Steve had said to Tony. And likewise, Tony's feelings of meeting Steve, a ghost for whom he'd competed with for his father's love, is also not an excuse for things he'd said, either. But he supposes like he understands and forgives Tony for having said them a long time ago, he has to accept that Tony does, too.
He cups Tony's cheek and gently plays with his beard. ]
Well if that's true, then stop telling me I'm biased whenever I say nice things about you.
[ Got him there. And he knows it'll take more than his words to get Tony to believe it. Tony has to want to believe that he's good, that he's just as good a man as Steve is. He can only do his part, but he can't bring Tony to that conclusion.
A small smile tugs on his lips when Tony gives him a salute. He might've thought it sarcastic once upon a time, but now with a ring on Tony's bent finger - a ring that Steve had helped to design and to forge himself, he knows the intent is only filled with love.
He peers down at Tony in his lap and then asks: ]
Are you cold?
no subject
[Aiming a dopey smile his way, like he knows this to be the entire truth of things. In fact, so much so, that he reaches up to poke Steve in the chest for emphasis. Then with that very same uncoordinated hand he lifts further up to attempt to poke the tip of Steve's nose but he's clearly moving around far too much for that because he ends up nudging his cheek instead at first, and then slowly drags his finger towards his nose.
Steve is biased by love- especially considering how enduring and intense theirs is for each other. But. That's okay. Steve does also have a point that Tony has a point. Or however this is working out. He doesn't have enough brain power to continue to refute or try to do the math on this one.
Still lazing in his lap, looking up at him, Steve's smile seems to put Tony in an endless feedback loop with the one he's wearing. Though he does seem only slightly confused about the question until he thinks he gets why it's being asked.]
Why? You gonna warm me up?
[Really if he lies there for five minutes uninterrupted he'll probably fall asleep. But until that happens, like always, he's enamored with Steve and will keep talking to him or simply listening to him talk for as long as he can.]
no subject
And, also, he won't admit it but sitting and listening to Tony bare some part of his soul that he didn't even want Steve to see is more intimate than the act of sex. Well. Okay, it's at least more intimate than the act of drunken sex, because it's still very hard to beat how Tony always makes Steve feel.
He gives a jovial roll of his eyes and gives Tony's nose a little pinch. ]
Yes, by putting you under the blankets and joining you.
[ And normally, he'd ask Tony to help him take his clothes off, but he's not sure it'd be a good idea to sit Tony back up again, so he starts unbuttoning his shirt, though if Tony wants to help, he can always get Steve's pants.
He assumes Tony's going to be no help, or worse than, but Steve loves him all the same.
And, of course, in a single quiet moment, his thought strays back to the thing his thoughts usually stray to now. ]
You know, the hardest thing about writing my vows is that for some reason I keep thinking there's gonna be a perfect thing to say to you, and I just haven't found it yet. I feel like the harder I look for it, the further away it gets from me.
no subject
You could put something in me instead.
[And he thinks that's a great line. He also thinks Steve thinks that's a great line because wow there goes his shirt and Tony's hand lifts in a wobble, like the weight of his entire arm is too heavy, gravity turned up a bit, and plants his heavy hand against Steve's chest. The touch is less flirtatious and he might almost immediately forget, again, what his plans were. Even if he had any.
Because instead of feeling him up he kind of just holds steady there against Steve's heart. Enjoying that deep thrum underneath his fingertips. That heart is his, forever they're very agreed now, and he'd do anything to protect it. It catches him a little that Steve must be feeling sentimental too and he tries so hard to parse through everything being said and not say something stupid in return- because he does realize he's very drunk.]
You have a knack for always saying the right thing at the right time. And not just- not just your Cap speeches- though I think we agree you're great at rallying. But sometimes you'll just look at me and say something that makes me feel like-
[His eyes squint in concentration because he's really trying okay.]
-I couldn't be loved like anyone loves me- like you love me- there's a pre-you and a post-you and I'm settled. I couldn't go back.
[Nope. None of that made sense. Probably. But he tries one more thing.]
Don't worry about the vows so much. Whatever you end up saying will be the thing I was waiting to hear. That's how it always is with you.
[...was that better? He's at least smiling like it was.]
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[ There's no real action behind these words here, because they've happily moved onto being sweet instead.
He knows that whatever he says, that Tony will love it, because he always does. But he wants more than to just touch him, he wants to tell him something he'll never forget. That he'll take until his dying days, that he'll remind Steve of someday when they're old.
He wants it to stick with Tony as long as "you're not the guy to make the sacrifice play" has. He wants whatever he says to completely erase and supplant that.
It's a tall order. ]
I know. I just want it to be perfect. For you.
[ He takes off his tank top too, and works gently on his pants, trying not to shift Tony too much as he gets out of them, kicks them off all the way, pats the empty spot on the bed. ]
Let me lay down with you?
[ He thinks even if Tony starts anything up, he'll likely fall asleep partway through making out, but it's fine. It's cute. Steve loves this side of him, even though he'll be happy never to see it again, if it keeps Tony on the wagon.
And, regardless, he does shift them around so he can get them both in a lying position on the bed, what with Tony being much more difficult to move as a noodly drunk, but no match for Steve. He turns his head a bit, and rests it on Tony's shoulder. ]
You never talk to me about your childhood. I know you didn't like it, but there must've been some good times, right? Like Halloween?
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[He says this with all the drunken confidence he can muster but mostly he knows he's right. He's generally always right about most things
except a few huge things we don't need to talk about- but Steve, especially, he knows will say the exact perfect thing when they're standing up there. Not a doubt in his mind.Steve moving around gets a breathy noise that's mostly a whine that he thinks twice about a little too late because, hey, Steve's getting naked. And he's very all about that, hands a bit overly touchy right before Steve makes a request and since Tony can normally never say no to him he just nods. And doesn't really do much else to facilitate this request because moving seems really hard.
But thankfully he has Steve for that, who gets him upright and the both of them laid down where he then soaks up every physical inch of Steve's space and warmth possible.
Then Steve's asking him something when he was in the middle of drifting, not particularly off to sleep but just comfortably drunk drifting and he has to remember words. Worse yet he has to remember things.]
Jarvis made everything better.
[One of the sunnier spots in his childhood apparently, and one of the things he thinks to say for whatever reason.]
We did a few Halloweens. Maybe three or four. He and my mom would take me out- mom would leave when I wanted to stay out longer but he'd stay for me. They tried. I didn't make it easy.
[One wonders where talk like that comes from.]
I ripped my costume one time right before we were supposed to go out and I thought that meant they wouldn't take me so I made a big deal about it and he busted out a sewing kit right there and stitched it up.
[Thoughts colliding into each other, words in an endless freefall until he stops telling that story. Eyes closed, breathing out a long sigh, quietly he says after that small lapse,]
I miss Jarvis.
[And JARVIS. And his mom. And sure, his dad, too. Siberia wasn't that long ago. He doesn't wanna think about any of this.]
What about your Halloweens?
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Jarvis had been a wonderful man. Steve's all the worse off for never having had the opportunity to meet him, he's sure of it.
But he doesn't want to hurt Tony by talking more about him when he knows that he always takes the good things well like everyone else, yes, but the hard things so much harder. ]
Trick or treating wasn't really a thing in my childhood, wasn't until I was a teenager that it really caught on. I guess --
[ He means to say Buck and I, but what he just says is singular. ]
--I tried to go a couple Halloween parties, but they weren't really for me.
[ He gently brushes Tony's hair back, and dots kisses on his shoulder, also ready to drift off anytime they decide to finish this conversation. ]
We could try this year. I'll even let you pick the costumes if you remember this tomorrow.
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[There's a definite lull to his tone, though some of it is just a little dreamy. Like he actually is dreaming up this scenario- Steve, much smaller than he's used to, holding his hands together in some corner while rowdy teens are drinking and having a good time, and he's very much not.]
It's 'cuz I wasn't throwing them. You do better, when they're mine.
[Does this make sense? No. Does it need to? Also no. His idea simply being that Steve seems to always have a better time when Stark Parties are happening. But more than that, just that they both have a better time, when they're both together. Definitely doesn't make sense in this context but it makes him happy.
And he exhales, soft and slow, eyes closing and staying that way this time, snuggling in just a little more. Definitely enjoying those gentle touches that threaten to send him drifting so far down he'll be there for a while. Until the morning when he's far less amicable and sweet.]
You'll regret that. I think maybe. Fishnets. Or leather. Sexy cop's too obvious. Maybe I'll put you in one of those Iron Dancer costumes. You'd look great in that.
[The incredibly revealing ones with the booty shorts, the bras, the gloves. Yes. Steve would look great in those. Even the heels, he bets.]
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It was sweet, in a way. Tony always knew how to make everyone feel like they were having a good time. Even now, just drunk and lying in Steve's lap and talking about things that won't happen for a few months yet, it feels... nice. Relaxing. And that Steve wouldn't rather be anywhere else. ]
Only if you put on one of those old USO dancer uniforms. Bet your legs would look nice putting on those little silver heels.
[ He reaches down to give his thighs a little pat. And he's sure Tony's not serious, because Steve is probably not going to show up anywhere in hot shorts without making headlines, but he would maybe put on a modified and slightly less revealing outfit.
He'd put on the heels, if Tony wanted to see him with ridiculously defined quads and about seven foot tall with the platforms. ]
You know, the first helmet I ever wore with the costume on was one of the girls'. But I always preferred the hats.
[ He mimes putting a helmet on Tony, and then mimes lifting it, then kissing his forehead. ]
I think even if we don't end up with those costumes, you should get one anyway, and model it for me.
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[At least that's a thing, right? That he has contingencies? Probably for very real reasons. Otherwise, yes, he probably literally would have asked her to find and order the most authentic outfit possible with his measurements and it'd have been there in a couple days.
...which is why he has to have protocols.
His blinks are slow, eyes half-lidded and smile wide and sunny, even if a little still alcohol-dazed as he looks at Steve. Although his eyes similarly drift closed once again at that kiss to his forehead. He turns in a little more, occupying every crevice he can, leaving no free space between him and Steve as he magnetizes into his side and cuddles in.]
Done deal. Hat- hairpins- hairspray and all. Anything you want. All you have to do is say.
[And even though he's still incredibly intoxicated, this much is the truth. He'd do anything for Steve. Certainly fun bedroom escapades. But everything else, too. Which is why, as he rests a hand over Steve's heart, he feels like he needs to remember to say-]
I love you. Thanks.
[There's a small beat between that last word and his next thought, he might have dozed off. But he finishes the sentiment eventually.]
-for coming to my rescue.
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No, it's how unreasonable Tony could get when he wants to do something for Steve, when he wants to ensure Steve's happiness or his safety.
Someday, he thinks, that'll get them into a whole load of trouble. But today, he'll happily press more kisses to Tony's face, pepper them on his cheek and his nose and finally, his mouth. ]
I always will, sweetheart.
[ But then he furrows his brow. ]
Well, I love you. And I didn't even do anything. Just drove you home.
[ He takes Tony's hand and kisses the inside of his wrist, lays it gently on his cheek, cuddles into him so they can settle in for the night. Tony's not making a whole lot of sense right now but he often doesn't. And when he's drunk, he's at his most honest. It's not that he ever lies or really hides things from Steve, but he does want him to keep going because these are the most unfiltered, slightly inscrutable Tony thoughts he could possibly receive, and he treasures them. ]
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You always come. When I call. Sometimes even when I don't. But you know.
[The times when Steve shows up for him even when Tony doesn't ask for him are the most important parts, he feels. Times when he'd rather soldier on alone, never mind the mountain of reasons why during any given moment. Those are the most precious. Those are the most important.
Because that's how this started, after all. Tony didn't put out a call, when he was suffering and determined to be alone. But Steve heard one anyway.]
You do everything. So don't say that.
[Almost like he's annoyed that Steve would try to say otherwise. To lessen the seriousness of how much Tony means this. Because he does. In his drunken, unintelligible way.]
Break the fall- I think that's what I said- you're always there, even when I was sure I'd have to hit the ground.
[Pick up. Carry on. Fix himself and walk whatever the hell he's talking about off. Any number of scenarios where he pulls his whole lone wolf act that people get increasingly mad at because he does have people. Even when he tries not to involve them in his messes. But Steve's stubborn, and sometimes he needs that too.
...just not a lot of that is translating right now.]
Even if it's just a ride home. That's what I needed. You always know.
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And sometimes, that's not what's even needed. Sometimes, he just needs someone to reach out and offer him a hand and refuse to pull it away. Sometimes it's just so easy and for some reason, no one's already done it for Tony. ]
Then I'm lucky. To be the guy that breaks your fall. Because, Tony, you always get up.
[ That's something admirable about him, a trait that they both share. Steve won't stay down and neither will Tony. Sometimes even when Tony's back is against the wall are times he does the best.
But Steve also thinks that's not a necessary component. ]
And I love to take care of you.
[ He thinks of it as a privilege, to get to do that, to get to brush his hair back and tell him sweet things and make him soup when he's sick and force him to accept the hospital stays when he's injured. ]
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[Comes the judgement, with a smile on his lips. Thankfully the lapse in explanation isn't that long. But he's still snuggled in and about one foot out the door consciousness wise.]
That makes me the lucky one.
[He knows this by now. It's one of the reasons he wants to marry Steve. To hold onto him forever. Because the way Steve loves him, the way Steve makes him feel, the way Steve comes to his rescue even sometimes when he denies needing one at all-
It's like nothing else. Intoxicating and wonderful and it makes a part of him that's been bereft for a long time feel whole. Better. And in that tangle of thoughts that's what comes out.]
-'m better with you. Because you love me. Because I love you. [A tiny and obviously still very drunk laugh precedes the next immediate thought.] No spoilers on vows. But I do love you. Always will.
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[ That's a bit of a joke, but they do say it quite a lot, so it's not much of a spoiler or an exaggeration. He doesn't quite know just yet how to phrase it either: that Tony's the best thing he's ever had, that Tony always knows what Steve needs, that Tony always puts everything aside to attend to Steve, that he's never known love quite like this.
And loving Tony does make him feel like he's become a better man, and that all the blues left in his life are nothing but sky instead. ]
I don't think you know how easy it is to love you, Tony.
[ It comes as naturally to Steve as breathing does. He's hoping that Tony feels the same way about Steve. ]
You make it that way.
[ He knows Tony's about to fall asleep, and he should get some shut-eye too. But it seems like the two of them keep getting into this situation where they keep wanting to tell the other how much the other means to them first. ]
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-have to take your word for it.
[Because he's not sure he believes it. Not sure why that would be true. He's trouble and he's exhausting, sometimes they get heated and usually it's his fault- so he thinks. Even if they always work it out. There's also a mountain of shadows he never seems to be able to escape from. Things he doesn't like dwelling on but that have woven scars into him he might never be rid of. Just dull, over time.
If Steve says it some part of it must be true, but he thinks, as he always does, there's probably a bias there. A rose-colored lens that being in love makes the idea of loving him easier.
Even if that is true, and he's sure some part of it is, in a tired murmur-]
Glad you love me, anyway.
[Selfishness will always win that one.]
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So he pushes that thought aside and resolves to love Tony enough for the two of them in any case, so that the point will become moot. ]
I do. Endlessly. Unconditionally. And I hope if you don't remember anything else from tonight that you remember that.
[ He assumes Tony's sobered up enough to remember this bit, anyway, but that it might get lost in the shuffle of his hangover tomorrow morning. Regardless, Steve will be repeating it over and over again. ]
You don't want anyone to know how much you care, how kind you are. You're good with kids. You don't see it, but you always guide them to do their best.
You're such a hard worker. You never have to work again, but you do. And it's not for you, it's not for legacy, it's not for money or influence. You do it because you're the only one who can. Because you want to make the world a better place.
Can I keep going? You're gonna have to let me keep going when we get up to the altar.
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Steve sees him with a kinder eye. And it's nice. To be bathed in that light. It always is. Even if it's sometimes a little too bright. A little too hard to sit under when he thinks that there are just too many other underlying factors, negative things. A large ugly life that came before he decided to make a change- and mistakes he still keeps making.
He's lucky for Steve's love this much is true. And his thoughts are a little too clouded still to start doing the refuting song and dance. Definitely not sharp enough to twist away from the commentary or redirect.
A yawn comes before his next answer, still buried into Steve's shoulder.]
Save it. For the altar, but keep talking. Your voice is one of my favorite things.
[Which has been a consistent thread for him. He loves listening to Steve's stories, loves listening to him talk about his day, about their current plans on or off the field- about anything. There's something about that deep cadence, the vibration in his chest while he's so near. The thought that he'd like to curl up on top of him, much like a cat, apparently wins out a little bit when loose uncoordinated limbs push up and he perches himself atop Steve to rest his head directly against Steve's chest, further lulled almost immediately by the strong beat of his heart.
And it doesn't matter- if Steve's been talking during the transition or started now- or even asked Tony what the hell he's doing- in a very unconnected thought while he realizes he's ten seconds to lights out, comfortable and comforted by Steve, he feels like it's very important to say one last thing-]
Goodnight, beloved.
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But Tony, his sweet Tony, doesn't care if Steve takes out the dictionary and starts reading it, he just wants to hear his voice. He hangs onto all the words as if they all have equal importance. He's smitten. And, despite not having to choose his words carefully at all, he does want to make sure they're all good ones, for Tony. ]
Thought about you all day today. And I'm thinking tomorrow we might have to cancel on Thor, but if you're feeling better by afternoon, we could all go out.
I think he wants to share some things that they do at weddings in Asgard.
And I think maybe he wants to ask us how weddings are done here, for, you know. Him and Jane.
[ All this is said with such a quiet lull, knowing that Tony's probably not even going to respond, that it's barely making its way into his consciousness. He can hear it in the way Tony's breathing slows. He always looks so peaceful when he's about to fall asleep, that Steve doesn't even want to say his name, in case it makes him wake up. Steve drops his voice down to a whisper, instead. ]
So we'll have to set a good example for them, sweetheart. But we can talk about it tomorrow morning.
Good night. I love you.