[He doesn't really mind playing host for the people he's asked to very quickly give up their time to be there. Alice plays more of a guide than he does, though, which he also doesn't mind. With all the excitement bubbling through her Tony thinks she might be impossible to put down. He asks her to get ready for bed and then heads back downstairs to talk to Rhodey. Offers for him to stay if he'd like, the couch isn't that bad, but Rhodey convinces him he has somewhere else to be.
But he also then still assures him he'll be by tomorrow, and Tony takes that to mean he'll be hovering around. They both know why that is, though Rhodey covers by saying he doesn't mind watching Alice while they work. But how much more obvious could any of this be at this point, now that Steve has more or less rallied the troops because Tony's dying. They hug it out. It's nice. Before he goes Rhodey asks him to promise. Promise that he's got this. And Tony, tired as he is, will never tire of making these assurances to the people that matter so dearly to him. So he really only just says can't get rid of me that easily. Many have tried, after all. And somehow he's still standing.
He then comes back upstairs, finds Alice situated in her favorite pair of pajamas and has her sit on the bed so he can actually brush her hair out before she goes down. It's a drastic change, she seems tired, probably having all that energy crash all at once. But that's good. Once he's got all her knots out he puts her down. Tucks her in. Sits at her bedside while the two of them go through their nightly ritual of sassing each other, soft giggles no doubt audible from her room. When she's somewhere close to the cusp, he tucks her in and kisses her goodnight, turns off the light and shuts her door.
After that he goes right to their bedroom and into the bathroom, to Steve. The air is already warm, something that makes him relax just a little, but no more so than the sight of Steve. As if he hadn't just seen him fifteen minutes ago. Just always relieved to have him nearby, more as of late. He lets himself be so easily reeled in, hands lifting to rest at Steve's chest.] Hey.
[There still is no presence more reassuring to him than Steve's, and he almost feels greedy for it, after such a long day. Maybe what would be considered a long few months. His fault, he knows. There's a small knot of guilt, sitting somewhere in his stomach. Which is why he can't seem to help but ask,] You okay?
[He realizes it's such a loaded question but he can't help it.]
[ Steve gathers Tony up like the two of them are only one when they're like this, like anything where they're not holding each other is the unnatural state, and this is the way things should be. He curls his fingers into Tony's hair, and feels a whole rush of emotions even though he'd only seen him fifteen minutes prior.
The air seems to suck out of his lungs when Tony asks if he's okay.
He takes a breath. ]
No.
[ He clutches onto Tony, holds him tightly, inhales deeply. All these years and the only thing his love has done is grown. It's manifested itself in their marriage, distilled itself in that little girl. Every day she grows older, and gets smarter and kinder, is a day that Steve realizes they've done it right. They're good parents. They're a good team. ]
I was so scared today, that I was gonna lose you. And I know I'm not. I know we have a plan. I just can't shake the feeling off so easily.
[ Because Tony's worth everything to him. Just having to imagine a life without him wounded him deeply, and all wounds take time to heal. Even Steve's.
He lets go of the moment and walks over to the tub to stop the water, walks over to get his hands underneath Tony's shirt. It's a little more utilitarian than he usually disrobes Tony with, but he does take a few moments to appreciate him still, once he's a little more naked. Steve has always found him handsome, had always been proud of his scars. He drops his head to kiss Tony's shoulder. ]
[His expression weakens almost immediately and it feels like the rest of his strength goes with it. Loaded question, right. One he'd already known the answer to. His hands slip underneath Steve's arms before pressing his palms flat against Steve's back. Pulling the two of them closer together. As close as they can get. Holding on to him.
And he listens- listens without rebuffing Steve. Without saying the usual I'm fine or arguing that he will be. That's not going to help here. He thinks about how he'd feel, if Steve had suddenly dumped this on him. He probably wouldn't have handled it nearly half as well, though the outcome might've been the same. The immediate pull to get to work, to get the most important people to solve the most important crisis in a room. Because that's absolutely how Tony would see it, and he knows Steve is no different.
He can't imagine a life without Steve, at this point. And he'd practically forced that on Steve earlier this afternoon. Maybe it should've been sooner, but would it have been the same regardless? No time to think about that now. Steve can beat him up over it when he's well again.
So he just nods. Understands. Lets Steve have that because it's his and the only thing Tony can do to make it better is to survive through this and then thrive with him. A little gift for all Steve's troubles waiting at the end- at least he hopes Steve will see it that way.
It's hard to let him go but he does, stepping out of his shoes and taking off his socks. He lets Steve help him with the rest of his clothes, soothes his hands up the length of Steve's back when he leans in to give that small affection. It's been extremely difficult, to be like this. He'd had only slight issues, he remembers, when they'd first gotten together. Unresolved feelings about just how many times his chest had been cracked open and what the result of that had left lingering. And certain others from battle that he'd earned all the same but that wouldn't fade with time. Steve had never left any room for doubt that he'd found him beautiful. It had helped. But in the aftermath of the snap, he barely knows himself anymore. Definitely not the man he used to be and maybe Steve would never say so, maybe because he doesn't feel that way, but Tony wouldn't judge him if he ever felt the need to be honest about how terrible he looks.
Tony knows. But hopefully soon he can exit the painful scars and the marred flesh and resemble himself again.
He tries to quickly discard all that, hands lifting to take hold of the sides of Steve's face, thumbs brushing just underneath his eyes as he tries for a grin.] I remember something about drawing us a bath. Just wanted an excuse to dote on me? You could've just said. Still would've gotten naked for you.
[There's some things that despite all that's happened he'll never lose. One of them just being the way they are with each other. How much he loves Steve, how much he can't help tease him, and while he doesn't feel in any sense of the word gorgeous or sexy anymore, he still doesn't mind when Steve's still so receptive even after all these years. Some things never change. He'll always be glad for that. Feels more like himself in these little moments than ever.]
[ Tony would never have to feel if the shoe's on the other foot, because surely he'd have a readout from FRIDAY somewhere, telling him that Steve wasn't doing so hot, even before Steve knew it himself. And Steve isn't mad about that because he's not the vindictive type, he never needs for Tony to feel how he felt when Tony first told him. He'd felt in that moment, like a fraud of a husband for not having known, like he was going to lose his constant, that he'd wished on a monkey's paw for strength and health and it had left him bereft of his loved ones yet again.
He pushes all that aside for now - though he won't lie to Tony - but it's really not helpful to dwell on these feelings. He lets them loose like paper boats, and he'll deal with them when the current brings them back. He focuses instead on undressing Tony, who yes, has had many physical changes over the years, but is no less a sight to behold to Steve. The only thing that keeps him at bay is that Tony's body is much more delicate like this, and for the longest time that scar tissue looked so gnarly and Steve didn't want to make it worse or introduce an infection or anything.
That makes Steve very careful around Tony, which he knows must unnerve him, but Tony would also run his body into the ground if Steve wasn't around to make sure he didn't, so he can hardly feel guilty for wanting to preserve Tony's health over wanting intimacy, though he knows they both have never lost that desire for each other. ]
You know I never pass up a chance to get you naked.
[ He leaves a kiss on Tony's cheek. ]
Or to spoil you.
[ But Steve does get himself out of his shirt, and moves himself to allow Tony to help him with his jeans. Just his touch leaves Steve aroused, though with Alice having been about, he's more than used to just ignoring his body's responses. But he'd definitely never stopped finding Tony attractive, in any sense.
When he'd first come back from space, he had been skin and bones. He could hardly hold up his own weight, his muscles were so atrophied. And at the time, Steve was afraid that his lungs might give out. But he'd made sure to let Tony know that Steve still desired him, and Steve makes a concerted effort never to let Tony believe otherwise, not for a moment.
Eventually, Steve slips into the tub, turning so he can rest in Tony's arms, draping his flesh one around his front, covering over his heart with it. ]
The feeling is very mutual. [Said on a soft murmur, turning into Steve's kiss at his cheek for a second. He wastes no time, either, dropping his hands to Steve's belt to help him out of his pants and the rest of his clothes. This has been an extremely emotionally charged day so he really isn't looking to get wound up with Steve, even though sometimes they seem like they can't help it. Just might not be the right time and place.
Except for anything other than what Steve's requesting. He sinks into the tub first, a pleased, low noise escaping him on an eased breath out. The water an almost perfect temperature, something he sinks into immediately. It only gets better, though when Steve joins him.
He welcomes Steve about as close as he can have him, always just as delighted as he is anchored by him. He presses himself against Steve as he turns, fully settling with him and eventually drops his forehead to rest at Steve's shoulder, eyes closing, the sweep of his lashes drifting against Steve's skin. As deep a breath as he can take, he does, chest expanding and then slowly lets it out. His palm over Steve's heart presses in just a little, fingers flexing as he feels that steady heartbeat underneath. Something he couldn't do with the other one anymore.]
I love you. [It escapes out of him in the barest of voices, not that he needs much with how close they are. There's so much there suddenly, reassurances ache to spill out of him. He knows Steve is used to being the strong one, always, but he'd do anything at all to take the world off his shoulders. Very lately, and almost exclusively both times due to Thanos, Tony has been very aware that their troubles have left him unable, have made Steve have to carry it all. It makes him feel like he's not doing enough. Like they've fallen out as equals because he's too weak to hold up his end of their vows.
His eyes close tight, brows knotting as he swallows around a lump in his throat. The image of Steve crying in his hospital room hours ago will probably be branded into him forever. The crush of guilt is something he's intimately familiar with but when it comes to Steve it's hard to bear. Somehow his voice stays steady as he can't help himself, saying it again.] I love you.
[If that could be the only thing that mattered and the only thing that had the power to solve all their problems they'd be so lucky. The hand at Steve's chest presses just a little more, as if he could pull him any closer, face still buried in his shoulder. Maybe even a little in shame.]
[ To be held by Tony is an experience. His whole body seeming to fit around Steve's like a comfort, like a blanket. His heart beat is steady and slow, and he places both his hands over Tony's. Yes, it would be nice if Extremis could give him back the other arm. Even if it doesn't, it would be nice for Tony to be healthy again, because he's now stuck in a body similar to the one Steve was born in. It reflects his history, yes, but not his spirit. And now it's dying.
But bodies, as Steve has discovered firsthand, can change. Both the serum and extremis have low hit-rates of success, historically. Steve's only biased towards one of them, because it worked for him and he doesn't know who's judging, but he doesn't think of Tony's heart as any less good than his own. If not before, then certainly now. The point's moot, because they'd have to pick one to re-engineer and it seems like they've got the notes for Extremis, but there were options. ]
I love you. Sweetheart, I love you.
[ He's suddenly regretting the position, because he can't turn his head enough for a kiss like this, but he shifts a bit so he can. It's been a long day, and he's shed more tears than he thinks he has for the last decade, but they're going to pull through this because they've got the smartest people on Earth in their corner.
And if he detected any amount of shame in Tony's voice, he would have rooted it out and excised it. He doesn't want Tony to feel any guilt or any shame. He'd done his best to save the universe, and he had. He could have told Steve sooner, yes, but Steve knows who he married.
He's feeling reflective over their life together. He supposes that's what happens when he has to face that, despite their battles and their survivorship, they are both just human. ]
If we had to do it all again, if we started over and found ourselves in that jet on the way to Stuttgart, I don't think I'd change anything.
[ A beat, as he realizes Tony's definitely going to call him out on this so he'll beat him to the punch: ]
No, I would've taken the gauntlet.
But Tony, everything else about our life together, even the parts that weren't so great. It's perfect to me.
[Before he even can help it, a snort escapes him, head shaking a little at Steve's shoulder. It really is funny. He definitely would have called Steve out on it for sure. And just like that, that soft amusement seems to cut his tension and allow him to fill with warmth instead of regret. He finds strength then, too, to lift his head, resting it against Steve's instead.]
Well according to your most favorite person on the planet, that wasn't in the cards. But even though we both know how I feel about the whole fate idea, I'd do it again. I'd rather it was me. [And he knows Steve feels the exact opposite. But maybe that's what made them so strong as a couple. He knows Steve would have picked up that gauntlet had he had the opportunity to in a heartbeat. And Tony would, of course, if faced with that choice again, do the exact same thing. Snap one more time. To protect not only the world but Steve. And Alice. Their family. Their friends.
It's hard to share a burden that comes once in a lifetime, but Tony still knows if it had been interchangeable he could have counted on Steve to charge in and make the decision.] I wouldn't change anything either, for the record. [He finally looks at Steve, eyes perhaps shining with a slightly wet sheen. He wouldn't change anything, not even to revise their history through a romantic lens and say he'd have fallen in love with Steve sooner. It would have been impossible. They had to get on each other's nerves, poke at each other's ribs, see the worst before the both of them could have the opportunity to let it all fall away and prove each other wrong. They fell in love on their own time.]
You know on second thought, maybe one thing. [He presses a kiss to Steve's hair, grinning there lightly.] Might've found a nice well to push Ross down.
[ He knows that's what Stephen said, but after fourteen million iterations of the same set of years, surely he would have given up after finding a successful one. But Steve would have gladly taken the damage instead, because his body could handle it better. And maybe he would've been a goner as well, but he's confident Tony would have saved him from death, and he's sure that he'd be the one with the missing arm. It wouldn't be so bad, for Steve. It would hardly be a sacrifice to him, if it meant Tony was perfectly fine. If it meant that these next few weeks weren't going to be Steve sitting on the edge of his seat wondering how things are going and if they're going to make it.
It's not that Steve believes in Karma, but sometimes he wonders if life was fair, would they even be here? Because surely the two of them have enough stored up to demand just a little more from the universe. From God. He knows Tony doesn't like it, so Steve doesn't much anymore, but in times like this, he really stakes a lot of his heart in his prayers. ]
When you're all better, honey, you can do that for me as an anniversary present.
[ And yes, he's still bargaining with God to keep his husband. Steve shifts again so he can wrap his arms around Tony's waist and lie on his chest. It's not a very comfortable position in this tub, but he doesn't really care. He has to believe this is going to work, but he's still going to do everything that's in his power to make it so.
He also did say he was going to help Tony bathe, but mostly he's just been doing a lot of soaking, so he picks up some soap and ladles some water over Tony's chest, lifting his face a bit and burying it into the crook of Tony's neck. ]
You'd better be careful or I'll take you seriously. [Ross has always managed to be a giant consistent pain in the both of their asses, but Tony will always count him as one of the main antagonists that put a dent in his and Steve's relationship. The Accords. And now in the aftermath of such vivid destruction and blurred lines in the world, it seemed like they didn't even matter anymore. The UN had a lot more on their plate now than worrying about what enhanced people were doing.
Really Tony wouldn't know a lot about how often Ross was or wasn't calling him. He had an automatic protocol at this point to put him directly on hold. Had his own annoying hold music and everything. Because he would not deal with Ross' nonsense anymore unless it was a huge catastrophe and by then Tony and Steve would probably already know what was going on.
Tony's careful, as he puts both arms around Steve. Holds him. Rests his head atop Steve's, closes his eyes. Just breathes him in. He gets the sense there's so much more to say, about how fractured the two of them are. But as long as he can make it through this, they can heal together. Right now he can at least offer some physical comfort, where words feel like they just wouldn't be enough. He runs his fingers through Steve's hair, soothing it back a few times over.
And really, truly, he almost gets away with having a quiet moment. But it's him. So of course he eventually can't help himself. His mouth has to run.] I know I'm a little busted right now, but you can still lean on me. Even without the suit. [Attempting at levity to get across what he's really trying to say. He'd happily shoulder whatever burdens Steve needed help with, even the ones he'd caused- really especially those ones, because those ones were his uniquely to help deal with and heal. He can't do the healing part right now, talk not enough to satisfy. But he can't stand the thought of Steve clinging to him and holding just about everything else back.]
[ It does bother Steve sometimes that the Accords, which are so meaningless to anybody now, nearly ruined his entire relationship and his team. It would have taken away his family, it would have made it so that he and Tony would have delayed their plans, maybe indefinitely. Maybe they wouldn't have come back together, except that their love was so strong that they both would have given just about anything to stay together.
He leans back then, physically, since Tony had requested so nicely, but he knows that's not what he means. ]
I just wish we had more time to figure this out. That's all. And maybe that you'd told me, when you started having problems. I know you like to do all this by yourself, but Tony, we're a team.
It's you, and me, and Alice. I'm glad we told her, even if she's too young for all this.
[ He takes a deep breath. It's been an emotional day, one that started with Steve feeling like a hole had just opened under his feet and the gaping maw of the earth had swallowed him whole. It had felt worse than when he'd chosen to put the plane in the water, knowing that he wouldn't come back. It hurt worse than the fire that filled his lungs as they froze. He might not have died, but he'd felt what dying felt like. And dying would have been preferable, by far. ]
And I wish I was smarter. I wish I had all the answers we're trying to find. But I also want this to be the hardest thing we have to do this year.
[ Because he doesn't think he'd be able to manage it if some Thanos-level threat came back as they were trying to fight this. But right now, without Tony, Earth is severely weakened. They need him. Steve needs him. He turns Tony's hand over in his, and then lifts it to his lips to kiss. ]
[He settles just a little, when Steve leans a little more, water sloshing around them. With a steady hold, eyes forward, he listens. Because he'd asked for Steve to unload in less words. And it's hard. Not even just to agree with Steve, that he is right. Tony knows he should have said something sooner. As soon as he thought something was wrong. Certainly way before the organs are gonna start failing stage. He has no excuse. The one about him trying to work things out himself so that Steve can focus elsewhere gets blown to shreds in the next moments.
And Steve's right. What was the point of building all this, of giving himself so wholly to Steve, if he still tried to dig his way out of his own holes as if Steve wasn't standing right beside him? He has to get better. He knows this. And he promises to himself that he will try. When he gets physically better he will get better at sharing the load. Of living up to the same expectations he sets of Steve. They're a team. That's always been the case.
But the rest of it he just can't sit silent through. It prickles his ire just a little. It's not the worst downtalk Steve's ever had about himself but Tony dislikes it immensely regardless.] Honey, you're one of the smartest people I know. I don't often keep court with idiots. Your areas of expertise are just different
[Not an ounce of mere placation in any of it. Steve was sharp, and a lot smarter than many people gave him credit for. Tony remembered a time when a lot of people, teammates included... maybe even a little himself when he'd still bore hostile feelings, had thought Steve was too much of a relic to catch up to anything. But Steve is so smart. He catches on so fast. His mind moves at incredible speeds sometimes. That's why Tony's always been comfortable deferring to him.] There have been times when you've been the best lab partner I could ask for. [He presses a kiss against Steve's temple, fond smile there.] My rubber ducky. [But Steve often did one better than the one Tony still had on his desk. From all that time ago. Because Steve took information, tried to process it, and relay it back. There were plenty of times Steve had helped him talk something through. So he really won't stand for Steve even off-handedly wishing he were smarter.]
...and I know I keep saying we will get through this. But we will. Though I agree with you. I'd like our next mishaps to be on a much smaller scale. Gum getting stuck in Alice's hair. The alpacas getting loose. Carol bringing back some weird thing from space Alice wants to keep as a pet. You know. Normal stuff. [Snorting against Steve's temple, still resting there.]
[ Steve takes a breath because he needs it, and he tries to hold it together. Tony's the one dying and he's over here trying to tell Steve that he's smart and how good of a partner is, but that's not what Steve wants. He doesn't want to take Tony's support, when he should be the one giving it, unconditionally.
And Steve knows that Tony's a lot more square with his own mortality, and also with gambling his life on a project of his, than Steve is. And yes, he does believe in Tony, he does know he's a supergenius and so are Shuri and Bruce, but they don't have a lot of bandwidth to do test runs, and that's part of the process. Even Maya had to blow up some people before Tony could come fix the errors. Even Red Skull preceded Steve. Tony improves his suits every iteration, and so yes, Steve is maybe just a little bit worried that it won't work as expected, or it won't fix all their problems, or that it'll introduce new ones.
He's gentle in how he washes Tony, particularly when they get to the parts of him that have been scarred and rendered delicate by the infinity stones. It was scary then, watching Tony struggle to come back to them, not knowing if Steve had just prolonged his life only to watch him slowly fade away. But then he'd come to from the surgery the Wakandans gave him, and even full of fading anesthetic and having his body nearly torn to shreds, he had still been full of life. That was his Tony. ]
I just can't wait for us to get on the other side of this. I'll take the gum, the alpacas, Carol bringing creatures home from space again.
[ He'd stay as close as Tony needs, through the next few weeks or months, however long they have. And he'd stay even if Tony said it was too late for them to fix this. There will be more tears, yes, but Steve can only hope they'll be ones of joy. ]
What do you need?
Besides the lab things, and besides me to be here.
[Steve helps him relax, he doesn't even realize he's been holding his shoulders tight, but he lets go slowly. Tension slowly fleeing. But there's something about it, too. Something that registers in his awareness, when Steve asks one more time what he needs. Tony's not sure at first what else to say, but the realization comes only a few moments after. And then he's not sure how to voice it.]
Do you remember... a long time ago I told you you wouldn't break me? I know right now especially you probably don't believe me, but. [He lifts his hand, cupping the side of Steve's face in his palm, skin on skin. Gazes at him. Grins in a way that's almost apprehensive.]
When we go to bed tonight. Can you just. [He's having trouble getting it out. No idea why. It just sounds dumb in his head. But he presses forward.] Hold me. Tight. I'll let you know when it's too much. [It's something that he misses terribly. And he knows why Steve treats him gently. He has to. Especially right now, yes, when he might seem frail as the news of his body all but giving up has just dawned. But really nothing has ever been as grounding or more comforting to him as when Steve either held on to him as tight as he could or put all of his weight atop Tony. And since one seems more realistic and easier an ask than the other, that's what he wants. What he needs.]
[ Steve fights not to let it show on his face that that is indeed, a strange request, because Tony looks shy about it. They both know that Steve is maybe a little overprotective of Tony, but at the same time, Tony is currently facing impending organ failure, so maybe Steve has a point.
Still, he understands, when he processes it. Tony has never been weak. And so every time that something happens to make him so, he fights back against it with everything he's got. Shrapnel in his chest, poisoning, immobilization, countless enemies, the snap. Tony barrels through them because it gives him control back. Steve understands that, and he leans up to kiss the underside of Tony's jaw. ]
Alright. But you have to tell me if it's too much.
[ Just because he says he will doesn't mean he actually will, but Steve has noticed when he makes Tony repeat it in a promise, it generally goes a little better. He sits up and takes Tony's face in his hands to kiss him then, sweetly but not cautiously. ]
Now let me wash your hair. You know I love this part.
I'll let you know. [What's more likely is that Tony will seek out that slightly too much. Let Steve crush him just a little, not enough to actually hurt him. But there's something about being enveloped in his arms, held to the point where he almost can't breathe. Just a really tight embrace. It settles something in him. And it'll help a little, where perhaps ego is just as bruised as his body at this point with how everything is slowing. As long as it doesn't slow to an actual stop, he'll be okay. They'll be okay.
Immediately he sinks into the kiss, perhaps a little obvious about it, too, with the fog in his eyes when Steve pulls back, the slightly dazed smile on his lips. He'd have let that go on forever, no doubt. But Steve's request isn't exactly a terrible one, either.]
Almost as much as I do, I think. [They could live a thousand more years together and Tony would never tire of Steve's hands on him. But in his hair has always been a special kind of treat. He turns in the tub in one easy circle, settling back against Steve at a slightly lower angle so Steve will have as much room to work as he needs.] I think you just can't resist, turning me into a pile of mush.
[ Why Tony feels the need to call Steve out when he already knows he's right is beyond him, but Steve acknowledges it with a mock-indignant huff. ]
I love making you feel good, Tony. And I love taking care of you, you know that.
[ Especially on days like these, when Steve's sure he feels like crap both on a physical and emotional front. Regardless of what anyone else may think, neither Steve nor Tony are perfect individuals. And Steve's taken a lot of time to understand Tony's nuances, the little things about him that make him Tony. One of those things is that Tony is harder on himself than he is on anyone else, and it's Steve's self-designated duty to alleviate that a little bit.
He rubs his fingers against Tony's scalp in the patterns that he's familiar with by now, tries to get Tony to relax and become putty in his hands. Years of trying to make him take care of himself had really been taking strides in progress until Steve's least favorite alien had decided to wreck all his plans. ]
Do you ever think about how fast time goes?
[ That was a bit out of left field, but he'll make it clear immediately why his thoughts have strayed. ]
Sometimes it feels like she was just born yesterday. And for awhile I thought we'd never get past the phase where all she did was eat, poop and sleep. But now I think, I should really have appreciated every moment of that. Now that I want time to slow down, I feel like tomorrow we'll be sending her off to college.
[It really takes no time at all for the rest of Tony's tension to almost visibly bleed right out of him when Steve puts his hands in his hair. He eases back, head laying into Steve's fingers and palms. If he could just be like this forever life would probably be amazing. But in response to Steve's question he doesn't hesitate when he answers:]
Constantly.
[There's no punch in the word, more like he breathes it out slowly. Time is always marching on a little too fast for him. He has always tried to hide that he feels he and Steve have been mismatched in that area, even if he's not always the best at it. He's always worried that he'd age far quicker, would slow Steve down eventually- and he feels like that has definitely happened. He feels like his clock is accelerated and Steve's going at a much slower rate. With Alice it's even easier to visibly see the flow. She gets bigger every day. So he appreciates deeply where Steve's coming from.]
Yeah... [It's a very soft agreement.] I look at her sometimes and I don't know how she got so big. [She barely fit in his arms yesterday, some days it feels like.] But depending on what she wants to do, her timeline might be condensed, too. Not that I want her to go to college at fourteen. [Tony will never be sure if that did him more harm than good, ultimately, on a growth level. On a social level. ...especially on some other levels he cannot bring up in relation to their little girl.]
Maybe we'll get lucky. And she won't want anything to do with anything we do. [Anything. If she just wanted to travel the world Tony would be fine. If she wanted to do nothing, Tony would be fine. He was never enough for his father, but the moment Alice was born she was Tony's everything. He has no expectations for her future other than that she's happy.] Except art, maybe. [His head tips back a little more so he can smile at Steve.] At this point I think we're gonna have to buy a second fridge just to hang all her masterpieces up.
[ Steve continues on in massaging Tony's scalp, loving that it makes him relax like putty in his hands. That's wonderful. He wants this for Tony, always. Tony, his amazing husband, who their enemies keep trying to take from him. But so long as Steve lives and breathes, he won't allow it. ]
If she goes to college so young, maybe we could convince her to stay in the area. That way, she could still see her friends on the weekends. It'll be good for her to have friends her age.
[ He assumes Tony didn't, and made friends with an older crowd, which made him feel so much older and more mature than his age. He is a little bit worried that Alice will inherit her father's penchant for partying, and all the bad habits that come with being a young, rich girl who's strikingly beautiful and a charismatic supergenius.
He doesn't see that for her right now, but right now she's barely exited from toddlerhood. Still, when she was a baby, he had a hard time visualizing her even like this. And all his predictions, all his thoughts had been proven wrong, but in the best way. Alice was better than he'd even dreamed. ]
I don't think we've got that much luck left, Tony, but, I'll keep an open mind.
[ He continues to lathe warm water over Tony's chest, just to warm him up. He leaves the conditioner in, so they can soak as long as they want. And Steve can indulge Tony as much as he wishes. ]
I would hope she would. If she goes that young, that's too young to be on her own. [Never mind that he did it. Maybe it's because he did it that he knows that's not what he wants for her. Not what will be good for her. If she wanted to go off to college very early he would at least hope that she'd pick one close and commute from home. ...but that's a long time from now, he tries to convince himself. She's still little. They still have tons of time.
A bittersweet sounding chuckle leaks out from him, a little shake of his head.] Luck is an empty concept. About the same as fate- which if we even begin to agree that exists, you've already proved is easily altered with enough willpower. I think luck falls into the same category. [At some point Tony's going to have to admit to himself he doesn't know what he believes anymore. He's seen so much. So many things that didn't always fit in with what he knew of the world. It's always good to expand one's point of view when presented with more evidence but... some of it's just too much. About as too much as it gets when linked in consideration with the fact that he's just a guy.
Man in a can. Doing the best he's able to alongside everyone else. He hopes Alice will never have to face things like that. He doesn't want that for her. What they do, and how he copes. He wants so much better for her.
He leans completely back against Steve while they're relaxing. Soaking still. His eyes close and he feels that tiredness just seep in to every pore. He suddenly finds himself worried he'll doze off against Steve. The only way he knows to fight that is to keep talking. So very belatedly he speaks up again but there's some obvious drift in his voice.] -we can't tell her she can't. If she's so much like me, telling her she can't do something will make her wanna do it more. Just keep that in mind. [If Alice decided she wanted to don a suit or pick up the shield, if Tony and Steve fought her on it that would only just drive her to do it more. Tony knows this deeply.]
[ Steve loves Tony more than he knows. It's deep, runs into his soul and has really made itself part of Steve's identity. He's Steve Rogers: soldier, American, father of Alice, husband of Tony Stark. And even then, he's not unaware of Tony's flaws. But he knows that Alice is going to grow into them, because some of them are ones Steve also has. Chiefly, they're both stubborn and they march to the beat of their own drum.
He trusts Alice to make good decisions in the future, because he'll have to trust that the two of them have raised her correctly. But he knows Tony's nature, and he is definitely not looking forward to Alice starting arguments with him just because she can. ]
You're gonna have to remind me, when the time comes.
[ It's that simple. Tony won't always be there, but he will when Alice is a teenager. He has to be. Steve knows that realistically, if neither of them die in battle, that it's more likely Tony will die first, and Steve doesn't want to look at years spent without him. He doubts he'll ever be ready to confront it, but certainly not right now, when Tony's promised him he'll fix this.
His arms wrap around Tony as he pulls him tighter into him, curling around his form, wanting to cocoon him. ]
We should move this to bed. I've got the electric blanket on, so it'll be warm.
[ He presses a kiss to Tony's cheek and starts rinsing out the shampoo. ]
[He hears that request for what it is. And what he offers, quietly but immediately, is easy.] I'll be here.
[It's the promise he might have to keep making, to the both of them and maybe even to Alice if she digests all the information presented and can't exist happily with what's going on. He imagines he might say it a lot in the coming few weeks, however long it takes to sort this out. Hopefully not too long, because he doesn't want this to drag on but also because he doesn't really think they have that much time. But that doesn't need voicing.
He rests his head back against Steve's shoulder, slipping a little lower under the water, even as Steve voices the prudent thought that they should move.] Yeah. That sounds nice. [Something he agrees with and yet it feels almost impossible to move just then. Still, the water is only getting cooler. So he enjoys this for a few moments more before acquiescing, allowing Steve to help rinse the rest of his hair out and then starts draining the tub.
Standing, he stretches just a little from the soles of his feet all the way up to his shoulders. There are just kinks and aches he's developed over the entire course of his life that he's well accepted by now are never coming out. But he does grin a little.] I'd get a towel but I'd hate to deny you your favorite part. [He's definitely learned by now. How much Steve seems to love wrapping him up. And he'd be a liar if he tried to deny that he likes it, too.]
[ Steve helps Tony to rinse out the rest of his hair and then, yes, does get out of the tub to go retrieve towels to wrap up his husband in, because he's never gotten over the simple joy of cocooning him in something soft and fluffy and warm. To be quite fair, he enjoys doing this with Alice, too, and she's finally gotten too old to allow papa to help her bathe.
Yes, on the one hand, that makes him quite sad that she's growing up before their eyes, but on the other hand, isn't that part of it? He also has enjoyed seeing how she's developed into a bright young girl, and start developing her own personality. But sometimes she acts so much like her dad that it breaks Steve's heart, like he's two minutes away from mistaking them once she's grown older and started getting into his band tees and into welding.
Steve will fight it all the way, but she idolizes Tony, so to Steve, that seems a little inevitable. ]
Can I interest you in a shoulder rub?
[ These are the types of things that Steve pays attention to, every time that they're here. But it's also part of the deal now. Tony has so many aches and pains and Steve likes to check off that they're doing the most to mitigate each and every one of them. ]
[He steps out of the tub carefully and submits so willingly and easily to the way Steve wraps him up. It helps fight off the immediate chill of moving from that warm water, but more than anything else it warms his heart. They have these little things, these little rituals that they've built up over the years. Things he doesn't know what he'd do without. Steve has always been almost overwhelmingly loving and kind and sweet to him. Maybe more so because Tony at times doesn't believe he deserves it. But Steve makes it so easy.
A little laugh escapes him, at the question, and even though he shakes his head he's definitely thinking about it.] I know we've joked about it a million times before but I might actually melt into a puddle of goo this time. [Which isn't a no because of course that sounds amazing. Steve's hands on him, any way he can get them, still is a notion Tony will always say yes to. There are feelings that he thinks haven't waned in the slightest, only grown brighter in intensity the longer they've been together. That's definitely one of them.]
But I'm thinking if I offer you one in return you'd say no. [Because Steve deserves to relax, too. God, he really does after everything. And Tony is almost desperate to find a way to make it happen. Anything that would help, after what he feels like is him putting his family through this, he wants to do.]
[ They have so many things that they just do naturally now, getting into the rhythm of it. And when the two of them do anything, somehow they just find something that works and stick with it. He knows Tony's not a big fan of routine, and Steve's not exactly the most spontaneous type of person, but it's also become so easy for them to find a compromise. ]
Alright, well, maybe you go first, and I'll go second.
[ Steve doesn't really need it, but he won't say no to Tony touching him in any regard, and he won't say no to Tony trying to spoil him good. He used to not want to have it reciprocated because he didn't see the point and he'd rather spend more of their time trying to work out Tony's many knots, but at some point he'd realized that it was like how Tony lets him get his towels for him and do his drying for him: it's just part of the charm.
And so, he dries himself off and gets dressed, drapes one of his shirts around Tony's shoulders both to keep him warm and because he looks so sweet wearing Steve's shirts.
He takes a seat on their bed, in their room, in their house which they'd built together, which reflected the both of them perfectly. The bed is so comfortable, handsome, well-made, sturdy. It's a joy to sleep in every night, and wake up in every morning. He looks over his shoulder and smiles over at Tony, beckoning him closer. ]
[It's a dangerous proposition and Tony already knows why it's being made. It very well might be likely that once Steve is done he will be a little puddle and with the way he is right now, he might drift. But that wouldn't exactly stop him from powering through so that he could pay it back to Steve. He just already knows how that'll go.
He doesn't see a point for him to get very dressed, since he's about to lie face down and let Steve work some wonders along his aching muscles. So he ends up drying off just a little more and then settling the towel around his waist. Although he does tug at the shirt suddenly over his shoulders, but doesn't slip his arms in.
Almost immediately, as if Steve has thrown a rope around him and pulled, he goes once they lock eyes. And maybe he shouldn't- okay definitely shouldn't, in a suddenly very full house of guests and Alice- but he settles over Steve, slotting into his lap as he kneels on the bed and then lowers to sit. He arms wrap lightly around Steve's neck and he's very deliberate, careful, slow as he kisses him. Not aiming to stir up trouble, for once in his life. It's something very sweet, maybe even just a touch needy. When they part he brushes his nose against Steve's.]
I'll be good in just a minute. [Promising with a quiet grin, kissing Steve again. Still with that same level of softness. He really is being good, he thinks. Just sometimes he can't really help himself.]
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But he also then still assures him he'll be by tomorrow, and Tony takes that to mean he'll be hovering around. They both know why that is, though Rhodey covers by saying he doesn't mind watching Alice while they work. But how much more obvious could any of this be at this point, now that Steve has more or less rallied the troops because Tony's dying. They hug it out. It's nice. Before he goes Rhodey asks him to promise. Promise that he's got this. And Tony, tired as he is, will never tire of making these assurances to the people that matter so dearly to him. So he really only just says can't get rid of me that easily. Many have tried, after all. And somehow he's still standing.
He then comes back upstairs, finds Alice situated in her favorite pair of pajamas and has her sit on the bed so he can actually brush her hair out before she goes down. It's a drastic change, she seems tired, probably having all that energy crash all at once. But that's good. Once he's got all her knots out he puts her down. Tucks her in. Sits at her bedside while the two of them go through their nightly ritual of sassing each other, soft giggles no doubt audible from her room. When she's somewhere close to the cusp, he tucks her in and kisses her goodnight, turns off the light and shuts her door.
After that he goes right to their bedroom and into the bathroom, to Steve. The air is already warm, something that makes him relax just a little, but no more so than the sight of Steve. As if he hadn't just seen him fifteen minutes ago. Just always relieved to have him nearby, more as of late. He lets himself be so easily reeled in, hands lifting to rest at Steve's chest.] Hey.
[There still is no presence more reassuring to him than Steve's, and he almost feels greedy for it, after such a long day. Maybe what would be considered a long few months. His fault, he knows. There's a small knot of guilt, sitting somewhere in his stomach. Which is why he can't seem to help but ask,] You okay?
[He realizes it's such a loaded question but he can't help it.]
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The air seems to suck out of his lungs when Tony asks if he's okay.
He takes a breath. ]
No.
[ He clutches onto Tony, holds him tightly, inhales deeply. All these years and the only thing his love has done is grown. It's manifested itself in their marriage, distilled itself in that little girl. Every day she grows older, and gets smarter and kinder, is a day that Steve realizes they've done it right. They're good parents. They're a good team. ]
I was so scared today, that I was gonna lose you. And I know I'm not. I know we have a plan. I just can't shake the feeling off so easily.
[ Because Tony's worth everything to him. Just having to imagine a life without him wounded him deeply, and all wounds take time to heal. Even Steve's.
He lets go of the moment and walks over to the tub to stop the water, walks over to get his hands underneath Tony's shirt. It's a little more utilitarian than he usually disrobes Tony with, but he does take a few moments to appreciate him still, once he's a little more naked. Steve has always found him handsome, had always been proud of his scars. He drops his head to kiss Tony's shoulder. ]
You ready? Water's warm.
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And he listens- listens without rebuffing Steve. Without saying the usual I'm fine or arguing that he will be. That's not going to help here. He thinks about how he'd feel, if Steve had suddenly dumped this on him. He probably wouldn't have handled it nearly half as well, though the outcome might've been the same. The immediate pull to get to work, to get the most important people to solve the most important crisis in a room. Because that's absolutely how Tony would see it, and he knows Steve is no different.
He can't imagine a life without Steve, at this point. And he'd practically forced that on Steve earlier this afternoon. Maybe it should've been sooner, but would it have been the same regardless? No time to think about that now. Steve can beat him up over it when he's well again.
So he just nods. Understands. Lets Steve have that because it's his and the only thing Tony can do to make it better is to survive through this and then thrive with him. A little gift for all Steve's troubles waiting at the end- at least he hopes Steve will see it that way.
It's hard to let him go but he does, stepping out of his shoes and taking off his socks. He lets Steve help him with the rest of his clothes, soothes his hands up the length of Steve's back when he leans in to give that small affection. It's been extremely difficult, to be like this. He'd had only slight issues, he remembers, when they'd first gotten together. Unresolved feelings about just how many times his chest had been cracked open and what the result of that had left lingering. And certain others from battle that he'd earned all the same but that wouldn't fade with time. Steve had never left any room for doubt that he'd found him beautiful. It had helped. But in the aftermath of the snap, he barely knows himself anymore. Definitely not the man he used to be and maybe Steve would never say so, maybe because he doesn't feel that way, but Tony wouldn't judge him if he ever felt the need to be honest about how terrible he looks.
Tony knows. But hopefully soon he can exit the painful scars and the marred flesh and resemble himself again.
He tries to quickly discard all that, hands lifting to take hold of the sides of Steve's face, thumbs brushing just underneath his eyes as he tries for a grin.] I remember something about drawing us a bath. Just wanted an excuse to dote on me? You could've just said. Still would've gotten naked for you.
[There's some things that despite all that's happened he'll never lose. One of them just being the way they are with each other. How much he loves Steve, how much he can't help tease him, and while he doesn't feel in any sense of the word gorgeous or sexy anymore, he still doesn't mind when Steve's still so receptive even after all these years. Some things never change. He'll always be glad for that. Feels more like himself in these little moments than ever.]
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He pushes all that aside for now - though he won't lie to Tony - but it's really not helpful to dwell on these feelings. He lets them loose like paper boats, and he'll deal with them when the current brings them back. He focuses instead on undressing Tony, who yes, has had many physical changes over the years, but is no less a sight to behold to Steve. The only thing that keeps him at bay is that Tony's body is much more delicate like this, and for the longest time that scar tissue looked so gnarly and Steve didn't want to make it worse or introduce an infection or anything.
That makes Steve very careful around Tony, which he knows must unnerve him, but Tony would also run his body into the ground if Steve wasn't around to make sure he didn't, so he can hardly feel guilty for wanting to preserve Tony's health over wanting intimacy, though he knows they both have never lost that desire for each other. ]
You know I never pass up a chance to get you naked.
[ He leaves a kiss on Tony's cheek. ]
Or to spoil you.
[ But Steve does get himself out of his shirt, and moves himself to allow Tony to help him with his jeans. Just his touch leaves Steve aroused, though with Alice having been about, he's more than used to just ignoring his body's responses. But he'd definitely never stopped finding Tony attractive, in any sense.
When he'd first come back from space, he had been skin and bones. He could hardly hold up his own weight, his muscles were so atrophied. And at the time, Steve was afraid that his lungs might give out. But he'd made sure to let Tony know that Steve still desired him, and Steve makes a concerted effort never to let Tony believe otherwise, not for a moment.
Eventually, Steve slips into the tub, turning so he can rest in Tony's arms, draping his flesh one around his front, covering over his heart with it. ]
Soak with me a bit, Tony. I want you to relax.
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Except for anything other than what Steve's requesting. He sinks into the tub first, a pleased, low noise escaping him on an eased breath out. The water an almost perfect temperature, something he sinks into immediately. It only gets better, though when Steve joins him.
He welcomes Steve about as close as he can have him, always just as delighted as he is anchored by him. He presses himself against Steve as he turns, fully settling with him and eventually drops his forehead to rest at Steve's shoulder, eyes closing, the sweep of his lashes drifting against Steve's skin. As deep a breath as he can take, he does, chest expanding and then slowly lets it out. His palm over Steve's heart presses in just a little, fingers flexing as he feels that steady heartbeat underneath. Something he couldn't do with the other one anymore.]
I love you. [It escapes out of him in the barest of voices, not that he needs much with how close they are. There's so much there suddenly, reassurances ache to spill out of him. He knows Steve is used to being the strong one, always, but he'd do anything at all to take the world off his shoulders. Very lately, and almost exclusively both times due to Thanos, Tony has been very aware that their troubles have left him unable, have made Steve have to carry it all. It makes him feel like he's not doing enough. Like they've fallen out as equals because he's too weak to hold up his end of their vows.
His eyes close tight, brows knotting as he swallows around a lump in his throat. The image of Steve crying in his hospital room hours ago will probably be branded into him forever. The crush of guilt is something he's intimately familiar with but when it comes to Steve it's hard to bear. Somehow his voice stays steady as he can't help himself, saying it again.] I love you.
[If that could be the only thing that mattered and the only thing that had the power to solve all their problems they'd be so lucky. The hand at Steve's chest presses just a little more, as if he could pull him any closer, face still buried in his shoulder. Maybe even a little in shame.]
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But bodies, as Steve has discovered firsthand, can change. Both the serum and extremis have low hit-rates of success, historically. Steve's only biased towards one of them, because it worked for him and he doesn't know who's judging, but he doesn't think of Tony's heart as any less good than his own. If not before, then certainly now. The point's moot, because they'd have to pick one to re-engineer and it seems like they've got the notes for Extremis, but there were options. ]
I love you. Sweetheart, I love you.
[ He's suddenly regretting the position, because he can't turn his head enough for a kiss like this, but he shifts a bit so he can. It's been a long day, and he's shed more tears than he thinks he has for the last decade, but they're going to pull through this because they've got the smartest people on Earth in their corner.
And if he detected any amount of shame in Tony's voice, he would have rooted it out and excised it. He doesn't want Tony to feel any guilt or any shame. He'd done his best to save the universe, and he had. He could have told Steve sooner, yes, but Steve knows who he married.
He's feeling reflective over their life together. He supposes that's what happens when he has to face that, despite their battles and their survivorship, they are both just human. ]
If we had to do it all again, if we started over and found ourselves in that jet on the way to Stuttgart, I don't think I'd change anything.
[ A beat, as he realizes Tony's definitely going to call him out on this so he'll beat him to the punch: ]
No, I would've taken the gauntlet.
But Tony, everything else about our life together, even the parts that weren't so great. It's perfect to me.
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Well according to your most favorite person on the planet, that wasn't in the cards. But even though we both know how I feel about the whole fate idea, I'd do it again. I'd rather it was me. [And he knows Steve feels the exact opposite. But maybe that's what made them so strong as a couple. He knows Steve would have picked up that gauntlet had he had the opportunity to in a heartbeat. And Tony would, of course, if faced with that choice again, do the exact same thing. Snap one more time. To protect not only the world but Steve. And Alice. Their family. Their friends.
It's hard to share a burden that comes once in a lifetime, but Tony still knows if it had been interchangeable he could have counted on Steve to charge in and make the decision.] I wouldn't change anything either, for the record. [He finally looks at Steve, eyes perhaps shining with a slightly wet sheen. He wouldn't change anything, not even to revise their history through a romantic lens and say he'd have fallen in love with Steve sooner. It would have been impossible. They had to get on each other's nerves, poke at each other's ribs, see the worst before the both of them could have the opportunity to let it all fall away and prove each other wrong. They fell in love on their own time.]
You know on second thought, maybe one thing. [He presses a kiss to Steve's hair, grinning there lightly.] Might've found a nice well to push Ross down.
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It's not that Steve believes in Karma, but sometimes he wonders if life was fair, would they even be here? Because surely the two of them have enough stored up to demand just a little more from the universe. From God. He knows Tony doesn't like it, so Steve doesn't much anymore, but in times like this, he really stakes a lot of his heart in his prayers. ]
When you're all better, honey, you can do that for me as an anniversary present.
[ And yes, he's still bargaining with God to keep his husband. Steve shifts again so he can wrap his arms around Tony's waist and lie on his chest. It's not a very comfortable position in this tub, but he doesn't really care. He has to believe this is going to work, but he's still going to do everything that's in his power to make it so.
He also did say he was going to help Tony bathe, but mostly he's just been doing a lot of soaking, so he picks up some soap and ladles some water over Tony's chest, lifting his face a bit and burying it into the crook of Tony's neck. ]
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Really Tony wouldn't know a lot about how often Ross was or wasn't calling him. He had an automatic protocol at this point to put him directly on hold. Had his own annoying hold music and everything. Because he would not deal with Ross' nonsense anymore unless it was a huge catastrophe and by then Tony and Steve would probably already know what was going on.
Tony's careful, as he puts both arms around Steve. Holds him. Rests his head atop Steve's, closes his eyes. Just breathes him in. He gets the sense there's so much more to say, about how fractured the two of them are. But as long as he can make it through this, they can heal together. Right now he can at least offer some physical comfort, where words feel like they just wouldn't be enough. He runs his fingers through Steve's hair, soothing it back a few times over.
And really, truly, he almost gets away with having a quiet moment. But it's him. So of course he eventually can't help himself. His mouth has to run.] I know I'm a little busted right now, but you can still lean on me. Even without the suit. [Attempting at levity to get across what he's really trying to say. He'd happily shoulder whatever burdens Steve needed help with, even the ones he'd caused- really especially those ones, because those ones were his uniquely to help deal with and heal. He can't do the healing part right now, talk not enough to satisfy. But he can't stand the thought of Steve clinging to him and holding just about everything else back.]
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He leans back then, physically, since Tony had requested so nicely, but he knows that's not what he means. ]
I just wish we had more time to figure this out. That's all. And maybe that you'd told me, when you started having problems. I know you like to do all this by yourself, but Tony, we're a team.
It's you, and me, and Alice. I'm glad we told her, even if she's too young for all this.
[ He takes a deep breath. It's been an emotional day, one that started with Steve feeling like a hole had just opened under his feet and the gaping maw of the earth had swallowed him whole. It had felt worse than when he'd chosen to put the plane in the water, knowing that he wouldn't come back. It hurt worse than the fire that filled his lungs as they froze. He might not have died, but he'd felt what dying felt like. And dying would have been preferable, by far. ]
And I wish I was smarter. I wish I had all the answers we're trying to find. But I also want this to be the hardest thing we have to do this year.
[ Because he doesn't think he'd be able to manage it if some Thanos-level threat came back as they were trying to fight this. But right now, without Tony, Earth is severely weakened. They need him. Steve needs him. He turns Tony's hand over in his, and then lifts it to his lips to kiss. ]
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And Steve's right. What was the point of building all this, of giving himself so wholly to Steve, if he still tried to dig his way out of his own holes as if Steve wasn't standing right beside him? He has to get better. He knows this. And he promises to himself that he will try. When he gets physically better he will get better at sharing the load. Of living up to the same expectations he sets of Steve. They're a team. That's always been the case.
But the rest of it he just can't sit silent through. It prickles his ire just a little. It's not the worst downtalk Steve's ever had about himself but Tony dislikes it immensely regardless.] Honey, you're one of the smartest people I know. I don't often keep court with idiots. Your areas of expertise are just different
[Not an ounce of mere placation in any of it. Steve was sharp, and a lot smarter than many people gave him credit for. Tony remembered a time when a lot of people, teammates included... maybe even a little himself when he'd still bore hostile feelings, had thought Steve was too much of a relic to catch up to anything. But Steve is so smart. He catches on so fast. His mind moves at incredible speeds sometimes. That's why Tony's always been comfortable deferring to him.] There have been times when you've been the best lab partner I could ask for. [He presses a kiss against Steve's temple, fond smile there.] My rubber ducky. [But Steve often did one better than the one Tony still had on his desk. From all that time ago. Because Steve took information, tried to process it, and relay it back. There were plenty of times Steve had helped him talk something through. So he really won't stand for Steve even off-handedly wishing he were smarter.]
...and I know I keep saying we will get through this. But we will. Though I agree with you. I'd like our next mishaps to be on a much smaller scale. Gum getting stuck in Alice's hair. The alpacas getting loose. Carol bringing back some weird thing from space Alice wants to keep as a pet. You know. Normal stuff. [Snorting against Steve's temple, still resting there.]
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And Steve knows that Tony's a lot more square with his own mortality, and also with gambling his life on a project of his, than Steve is. And yes, he does believe in Tony, he does know he's a supergenius and so are Shuri and Bruce, but they don't have a lot of bandwidth to do test runs, and that's part of the process. Even Maya had to blow up some people before Tony could come fix the errors. Even Red Skull preceded Steve. Tony improves his suits every iteration, and so yes, Steve is maybe just a little bit worried that it won't work as expected, or it won't fix all their problems, or that it'll introduce new ones.
He's gentle in how he washes Tony, particularly when they get to the parts of him that have been scarred and rendered delicate by the infinity stones. It was scary then, watching Tony struggle to come back to them, not knowing if Steve had just prolonged his life only to watch him slowly fade away. But then he'd come to from the surgery the Wakandans gave him, and even full of fading anesthetic and having his body nearly torn to shreds, he had still been full of life. That was his Tony. ]
I just can't wait for us to get on the other side of this. I'll take the gum, the alpacas, Carol bringing creatures home from space again.
[ He'd stay as close as Tony needs, through the next few weeks or months, however long they have. And he'd stay even if Tony said it was too late for them to fix this. There will be more tears, yes, but Steve can only hope they'll be ones of joy. ]
What do you need?
Besides the lab things, and besides me to be here.
[ He realizes he should ask. ]
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Do you remember... a long time ago I told you you wouldn't break me? I know right now especially you probably don't believe me, but. [He lifts his hand, cupping the side of Steve's face in his palm, skin on skin. Gazes at him. Grins in a way that's almost apprehensive.]
When we go to bed tonight. Can you just. [He's having trouble getting it out. No idea why. It just sounds dumb in his head. But he presses forward.] Hold me. Tight. I'll let you know when it's too much. [It's something that he misses terribly. And he knows why Steve treats him gently. He has to. Especially right now, yes, when he might seem frail as the news of his body all but giving up has just dawned. But really nothing has ever been as grounding or more comforting to him as when Steve either held on to him as tight as he could or put all of his weight atop Tony. And since one seems more realistic and easier an ask than the other, that's what he wants. What he needs.]
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Still, he understands, when he processes it. Tony has never been weak. And so every time that something happens to make him so, he fights back against it with everything he's got. Shrapnel in his chest, poisoning, immobilization, countless enemies, the snap. Tony barrels through them because it gives him control back. Steve understands that, and he leans up to kiss the underside of Tony's jaw. ]
Alright. But you have to tell me if it's too much.
[ Just because he says he will doesn't mean he actually will, but Steve has noticed when he makes Tony repeat it in a promise, it generally goes a little better. He sits up and takes Tony's face in his hands to kiss him then, sweetly but not cautiously. ]
Now let me wash your hair. You know I love this part.
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Immediately he sinks into the kiss, perhaps a little obvious about it, too, with the fog in his eyes when Steve pulls back, the slightly dazed smile on his lips. He'd have let that go on forever, no doubt. But Steve's request isn't exactly a terrible one, either.]
Almost as much as I do, I think. [They could live a thousand more years together and Tony would never tire of Steve's hands on him. But in his hair has always been a special kind of treat. He turns in the tub in one easy circle, settling back against Steve at a slightly lower angle so Steve will have as much room to work as he needs.] I think you just can't resist, turning me into a pile of mush.
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I love making you feel good, Tony. And I love taking care of you, you know that.
[ Especially on days like these, when Steve's sure he feels like crap both on a physical and emotional front. Regardless of what anyone else may think, neither Steve nor Tony are perfect individuals. And Steve's taken a lot of time to understand Tony's nuances, the little things about him that make him Tony. One of those things is that Tony is harder on himself than he is on anyone else, and it's Steve's self-designated duty to alleviate that a little bit.
He rubs his fingers against Tony's scalp in the patterns that he's familiar with by now, tries to get Tony to relax and become putty in his hands. Years of trying to make him take care of himself had really been taking strides in progress until Steve's least favorite alien had decided to wreck all his plans. ]
Do you ever think about how fast time goes?
[ That was a bit out of left field, but he'll make it clear immediately why his thoughts have strayed. ]
Sometimes it feels like she was just born yesterday. And for awhile I thought we'd never get past the phase where all she did was eat, poop and sleep. But now I think, I should really have appreciated every moment of that. Now that I want time to slow down, I feel like tomorrow we'll be sending her off to college.
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Constantly.
[There's no punch in the word, more like he breathes it out slowly. Time is always marching on a little too fast for him. He has always tried to hide that he feels he and Steve have been mismatched in that area, even if he's not always the best at it. He's always worried that he'd age far quicker, would slow Steve down eventually- and he feels like that has definitely happened. He feels like his clock is accelerated and Steve's going at a much slower rate. With Alice it's even easier to visibly see the flow. She gets bigger every day. So he appreciates deeply where Steve's coming from.]
Yeah... [It's a very soft agreement.] I look at her sometimes and I don't know how she got so big. [She barely fit in his arms yesterday, some days it feels like.] But depending on what she wants to do, her timeline might be condensed, too. Not that I want her to go to college at fourteen. [Tony will never be sure if that did him more harm than good, ultimately, on a growth level. On a social level. ...especially on some other levels he cannot bring up in relation to their little girl.]
Maybe we'll get lucky. And she won't want anything to do with anything we do. [Anything. If she just wanted to travel the world Tony would be fine. If she wanted to do nothing, Tony would be fine. He was never enough for his father, but the moment Alice was born she was Tony's everything. He has no expectations for her future other than that she's happy.] Except art, maybe. [His head tips back a little more so he can smile at Steve.] At this point I think we're gonna have to buy a second fridge just to hang all her masterpieces up.
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If she goes to college so young, maybe we could convince her to stay in the area. That way, she could still see her friends on the weekends. It'll be good for her to have friends her age.
[ He assumes Tony didn't, and made friends with an older crowd, which made him feel so much older and more mature than his age. He is a little bit worried that Alice will inherit her father's penchant for partying, and all the bad habits that come with being a young, rich girl who's strikingly beautiful and a charismatic supergenius.
He doesn't see that for her right now, but right now she's barely exited from toddlerhood. Still, when she was a baby, he had a hard time visualizing her even like this. And all his predictions, all his thoughts had been proven wrong, but in the best way. Alice was better than he'd even dreamed. ]
I don't think we've got that much luck left, Tony, but, I'll keep an open mind.
[ He continues to lathe warm water over Tony's chest, just to warm him up. He leaves the conditioner in, so they can soak as long as they want. And Steve can indulge Tony as much as he wishes. ]
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A bittersweet sounding chuckle leaks out from him, a little shake of his head.] Luck is an empty concept. About the same as fate- which if we even begin to agree that exists, you've already proved is easily altered with enough willpower. I think luck falls into the same category. [At some point Tony's going to have to admit to himself he doesn't know what he believes anymore. He's seen so much. So many things that didn't always fit in with what he knew of the world. It's always good to expand one's point of view when presented with more evidence but... some of it's just too much. About as too much as it gets when linked in consideration with the fact that he's just a guy.
Man in a can. Doing the best he's able to alongside everyone else. He hopes Alice will never have to face things like that. He doesn't want that for her. What they do, and how he copes. He wants so much better for her.
He leans completely back against Steve while they're relaxing. Soaking still. His eyes close and he feels that tiredness just seep in to every pore. He suddenly finds himself worried he'll doze off against Steve. The only way he knows to fight that is to keep talking. So very belatedly he speaks up again but there's some obvious drift in his voice.] -we can't tell her she can't. If she's so much like me, telling her she can't do something will make her wanna do it more. Just keep that in mind. [If Alice decided she wanted to don a suit or pick up the shield, if Tony and Steve fought her on it that would only just drive her to do it more. Tony knows this deeply.]
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He trusts Alice to make good decisions in the future, because he'll have to trust that the two of them have raised her correctly. But he knows Tony's nature, and he is definitely not looking forward to Alice starting arguments with him just because she can. ]
You're gonna have to remind me, when the time comes.
[ It's that simple. Tony won't always be there, but he will when Alice is a teenager. He has to be. Steve knows that realistically, if neither of them die in battle, that it's more likely Tony will die first, and Steve doesn't want to look at years spent without him. He doubts he'll ever be ready to confront it, but certainly not right now, when Tony's promised him he'll fix this.
His arms wrap around Tony as he pulls him tighter into him, curling around his form, wanting to cocoon him. ]
We should move this to bed. I've got the electric blanket on, so it'll be warm.
[ He presses a kiss to Tony's cheek and starts rinsing out the shampoo. ]
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[It's the promise he might have to keep making, to the both of them and maybe even to Alice if she digests all the information presented and can't exist happily with what's going on. He imagines he might say it a lot in the coming few weeks, however long it takes to sort this out. Hopefully not too long, because he doesn't want this to drag on but also because he doesn't really think they have that much time. But that doesn't need voicing.
He rests his head back against Steve's shoulder, slipping a little lower under the water, even as Steve voices the prudent thought that they should move.] Yeah. That sounds nice. [Something he agrees with and yet it feels almost impossible to move just then. Still, the water is only getting cooler. So he enjoys this for a few moments more before acquiescing, allowing Steve to help rinse the rest of his hair out and then starts draining the tub.
Standing, he stretches just a little from the soles of his feet all the way up to his shoulders. There are just kinks and aches he's developed over the entire course of his life that he's well accepted by now are never coming out. But he does grin a little.] I'd get a towel but I'd hate to deny you your favorite part. [He's definitely learned by now. How much Steve seems to love wrapping him up. And he'd be a liar if he tried to deny that he likes it, too.]
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Yes, on the one hand, that makes him quite sad that she's growing up before their eyes, but on the other hand, isn't that part of it? He also has enjoyed seeing how she's developed into a bright young girl, and start developing her own personality. But sometimes she acts so much like her dad that it breaks Steve's heart, like he's two minutes away from mistaking them once she's grown older and started getting into his band tees and into welding.
Steve will fight it all the way, but she idolizes Tony, so to Steve, that seems a little inevitable. ]
Can I interest you in a shoulder rub?
[ These are the types of things that Steve pays attention to, every time that they're here. But it's also part of the deal now. Tony has so many aches and pains and Steve likes to check off that they're doing the most to mitigate each and every one of them. ]
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A little laugh escapes him, at the question, and even though he shakes his head he's definitely thinking about it.] I know we've joked about it a million times before but I might actually melt into a puddle of goo this time. [Which isn't a no because of course that sounds amazing. Steve's hands on him, any way he can get them, still is a notion Tony will always say yes to. There are feelings that he thinks haven't waned in the slightest, only grown brighter in intensity the longer they've been together. That's definitely one of them.]
But I'm thinking if I offer you one in return you'd say no. [Because Steve deserves to relax, too. God, he really does after everything. And Tony is almost desperate to find a way to make it happen. Anything that would help, after what he feels like is him putting his family through this, he wants to do.]
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Alright, well, maybe you go first, and I'll go second.
[ Steve doesn't really need it, but he won't say no to Tony touching him in any regard, and he won't say no to Tony trying to spoil him good. He used to not want to have it reciprocated because he didn't see the point and he'd rather spend more of their time trying to work out Tony's many knots, but at some point he'd realized that it was like how Tony lets him get his towels for him and do his drying for him: it's just part of the charm.
And so, he dries himself off and gets dressed, drapes one of his shirts around Tony's shoulders both to keep him warm and because he looks so sweet wearing Steve's shirts.
He takes a seat on their bed, in their room, in their house which they'd built together, which reflected the both of them perfectly. The bed is so comfortable, handsome, well-made, sturdy. It's a joy to sleep in every night, and wake up in every morning. He looks over his shoulder and smiles over at Tony, beckoning him closer. ]
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He doesn't see a point for him to get very dressed, since he's about to lie face down and let Steve work some wonders along his aching muscles. So he ends up drying off just a little more and then settling the towel around his waist. Although he does tug at the shirt suddenly over his shoulders, but doesn't slip his arms in.
Almost immediately, as if Steve has thrown a rope around him and pulled, he goes once they lock eyes. And maybe he shouldn't- okay definitely shouldn't, in a suddenly very full house of guests and Alice- but he settles over Steve, slotting into his lap as he kneels on the bed and then lowers to sit. He arms wrap lightly around Steve's neck and he's very deliberate, careful, slow as he kisses him. Not aiming to stir up trouble, for once in his life. It's something very sweet, maybe even just a touch needy. When they part he brushes his nose against Steve's.]
I'll be good in just a minute. [Promising with a quiet grin, kissing Steve again. Still with that same level of softness. He really is being good, he thinks. Just sometimes he can't really help himself.]
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