Charles manages a small smile as he looks at Erik. At times like this, he wishes he has his telepathy, but it's also good that they're talking this way and he's not just reading his mind. What someone thinks and what they want him to know can be two entirely different things. And just because he can read a person's mind doesn't necessarily make communication any easier. Sometimes it can become even more complicated.
He presses his lips together, frowning slightly as he thinks of how to begin with answering that question. He doesn't like thinking back to that day on the beach, in Cuba. He doesn't like remembering what it felt like to have Shaw in his mind right as he died. For weeks, what happened that day had haunted his dreams at night. When before he was drinking before bed to quiet his mind, he'd started drinking more than usual in an effort to simply forget everything.
"I'm aware that mistakes were made that day. What happened, and how things escalated, was as much my fault as it was yours. Erik, what I said to you, about those men, that they were just following orders. I shouldn't have said that. It was careless of me. I only realised what that meant for you after I'd said it. And for that, I'm sorry." Men following orders had been the reason why Erik and so many others had lost their loved ones.
"Plain and simple, my darling, I wanted you to come back with us because it's where you belong. I don't want us to fight against each other. I know we're bound to disagree on some things, but I hope it never escalates to the point where we can't forgive one another. Because I don't blame you for what happened to me. It was an accident. And I'm not just saying that because I'm able to walk again. I know this is temporary. Still, I'm not going to feel any differently about you when that changes." And hopefully, Erik won't either. He hadn't exactly been the best company during that time when he was paralysed. Sure, he'd been fine for the first week, but then he'd started getting irritable and every attempt to help him was met with a glare, and he had been so stubborn about letting anyone do anything for him because he hadn't liked feeling so helpless.
"The thing is, I just can't imagine not having you around. I mean, I have gotten incredibly spoiled by your excellent skills in the... kitchen." He's definitely not thinking about the kitchen. "Besides, you said you wanted me by your side. I want that too."
Charles is always forgiving where Erik is not, and that can sometimes lead to difficulties between them, such as when Charles forgives the people who trespass against them. And yet, he allows himself to take such advantage, because he still believes, even if Charles doesn't think it's his fault, that it was.
Well, okay, he still places most of the blame on Moira, who shot at him despite knowing his powers.
But now's not the time to have such discussions. Not when Charles is calling him darling and alluding to his skills in areas that are decidedly not the kitchen. Really, Charles. He wonders if he thinks that there's some other telepath nearby that might be scandalized, either by the idea that they have sex or that they enjoy it.
He reaches over to gently squeeze Charles' hand, since no one is around to see it, but he thinks he could use the support. It was a near thing, his leaving: he had made a choice on that beach, but he had almost made the other one. It would've caused him regrets, yes, but at the time he'd felt so monstrous, so dejected, that it almost felt like the only choice to make.
He's glad Charles can't pull that thought out of his mind.
"I do want you by my side, Charles. No one is like you are to me." Not just as a lover, but as a friend. If Erik believed in such things, he would say Charles is his soulmate, cut from the opposite side of the cloth from which he himself was made. He looks at their hands - Charles', the hands of a scholar, are soft, and Erik's are rough and worn with work. So he lifts his hand instead, and presses kisses to his knuckles, gently.
Hearing Erik say that he wants to stick around; that he wants to stay brings him some relief. It's one less thing to worry about. The thing is he can't help but feel fiercely protective over the man. If Erik had been out there waging a war against the world instead of being here with him, Charles isn't sure what he would've done. Would he have tried to stop him? But at what cost?
As Erik takes his hand and kisses his knuckles, Charles thinks that he's never really known love like this. Not that they've said those three words out loud to each other just yet, but he certainly feels it. No one would think Erik capable of being kind and gentle and loving, but Charles does. He knows Erik cares for him very much and he feels the exact same way about him.
"You mean a great deal to me, Erik." He moves his hand to brush his thumb across the man's cheek. "I know this might sound terribly corny, but I do believe you've changed my life for the better, and I don't think I could be any happier than I am now." He smiles at him in an adoring way. "I am ever so glad I met you, my dear friend. But..." He then pinches Erik's cheek, albeit gently. "You do realise I've had to convince you to stay twice now. I hope you're not going to make a habit of this."
Well, as far as habits go, Erik has a lot of them and they're hard to break. They're not good ones, either, but they're born out of a necessity: he has a hard shell and a hard interior, and it's difficult to get beneath all that, to find the man he is behind all the guards and the walls.
But, in essence, he is just a man, and Charles sees through to the heart of him. He knows this, but even then, it's difficult for him to believe sometimes, to really comprehend that he's there for him, that he understands, that there isn't a need to turn tail and run without so much as leaving a note. Because that is how Erik operates, that is how he needs to in order to survive.
"I'll try." That's not really an answer, but it's the only one he can give at the moment.
He does know that he loves Charles, loves him more than he's loved anyone else before. He knows that Charles is good for him, that much is true, that he has hope when he's with Charles. "I've never felt more safe," he says. "Than when I am with you." And like maybe he can find a place to be free, because even though he isn't tied down anywhere, sometimes the rest of the world just feels like a gilded cage. How does he explain that to Charles?
"Good. I want you to feel safe." He's never going to let anyone hurt Erik again. What Shaw did to him is unforgivable. It's why Charles had kept up that psychic hold on the evil bastard despite knowing that Erik was going to kill him. It was justified, and since it was clearly Shaw or Erik, and who knows how many more who were going to end up dead that day, the choice had been an easy one to make, and it isn't one he's going to regret.
"Now let's play a game. And don't bother saying you'll go easy on me because you never do." Charles starts by moving one of his pawns, sort of carelessly, not giving it much thought, deciding to keep it simple at first. The challenging moves can come later when Erik least expects it.
A couple of games and a few more drinks later, and Charles is reading a book out loud while seated next to Erik. He's put a blanket over the man and pulled up the armrest so they can get comfortable next to each other. "You know, the point of me reading to you is so you'll get some sleep. It'll be hours before we land and we both know you didn't get much rest last night." Sean had accidentally broken his bedroom window, again, and he'd insisted that Erik fix it right away because he wasn't going to share a room with Alex. Charles had only found out about it in the morning when the boys had told him about it.
Erik usually doesn't go easy on Charles because he could easily have his mind read, and that generally keeps him from winning. But he tries his best, and he always comes up with lots of strategies on the fly, which he thinks helps to keep them both on their toes a little bit. That's just how they are with each other, and honestly, it's healthier than them fighting, at least.
A couple games later, Erik's got his head cradled against Charles' shoulder, and he isn't falling asleep, but he does want to continue listening to his voice.
"I know," he says, brushing off Charles' concern. "But it's not a problem. I've survived on less." He turns his face in towards Charles a little bit, and he doesn't want to say aloud that now that they're both awake, he doesn't want to miss a moment, even if that means losing out on a little sleep. It's a small price to pay.
Whatever spare time they have in the day or in the evenings are often spent playing chess together. Charles had tried to join Erik in the gym a few times, but he really isn't much for doing push-ups or sit-ups and whatever else Erik, Alex and Azazel seem to enjoy so much. The one time he'd tried to learn some basic boxing techniques, Charles had failed to dodge and Alex had punched him in the nose, and that was not great. Thankfully, there's Hank, and he's happy to stick to being able to do multiple laps around the mansion with him instead.
"It's a good thing we're just going to be spending time in my flat in Oxford. I suppose there'll be plenty of opportunities for you to catch up on some sleep then." He turns to the next page of the short novel and continues reading for a bit more before he puts the book down, deciding to focus his attention on Erik instead. If the man's not going to sleep, they might as well talk. But before that, he'll steal some quick kisses first. They're in their own private corner of the chartered plane, so this is perfectly fine.
"Do you know what Raven said when I told her about us? She said she suspected it for weeks because she smelled my shampoo on you. Of all things. I would've thought it would've been the fact we'd start a game of chess but never quite finish it..." He supposes no one pays attention to the chessboard in his study. Or that one time the books were in a haphazard pile on the floor right next to his desk.
"Charles, no one monitors our chess games," Erik responds, confirming that indeed, why would any of the kids care about that? Maybe they just thought they kept finishing and starting new ones, even. But he hadn't noticed that it was so stark of a difference to use Charles' shampoo instead of his own, and maybe to throw off the scent he should start buying Charles' shampoo instead.
"I'll sleep when you sleep," he resolves, leaning up from where he'd reclined on Charles' chest to kiss him gently. "You know, we should have a bike ride." Oxford's kind of a small town, so it won't be a long one, but he thinks it'll be nice for the two of them to ride around, maybe check out the clock tower.
He doesn't know what else they'll be doing there but research, and staying in so that they can have lots of private time in their well-sound-proofed living quarters. It doesn't sound like a bad shake, and in fact, sounds perfectly like a nice, relaxing vacation. He imagines Charles will get some work done, and maybe Erik will start some writings as well.
He'd argue that Hank notices they play a little too much chess, but it doesn't matter anyway. The moment they get home they're letting everyone know they're together, and Erik will officially move into his suite, and that's that. No more hiding and sneaking around. The past couple of months have been great, absolutely fun, and thrilling even, but there have been too many mornings where he wishes he could just sleep in with Erik next to him instead of having to sneak out of each other's bedroom at the crack of dawn or in the middle of the night.
He runs his fingers through Erik's hair, enjoying the little kisses shared between them, and he smiles at the suggestion they go biking around town. Well, that's something he'd never done while he'd been at Oxford. Charles thinks he'd be more than happy to go for a bike ride with his... boyfriend, is it?
"That sounds like a fun idea. I should show you the sights and take you to my favourite pub of course." He really did love his time at Oxford, and if he hadn't met Moira, he probably wouldn't have chosen to return to New York. Instead, he likely would've found a teaching position in Oxford even. But things are even better now, and he's looking forward to a future with Erik and the rest of the mutants at the mansion.
"How about we turn this into a mini vacation for us? I'd love to spoil you." The main reason for returning to Oxford is to complete his research, tidy up the place, pack up his belongings and head home. But well, perhaps there's no need to rush all of that and they can stay on for a few extra days.
"Only if you want," he says, looking up at him and smiling softly. It's not like Erik to be so relaxed. Usually he's on-edge, cool, slightly aloof. But ever since they'd started this thing together, he'd become soft around the edges, affectionate, and oh-so-loving. In some ways, he's like a cat who's finally found an owner to love.
He offers Charles a little kiss before he settles back against his shoulder, half on his chest, soaking in all his touches and physical affectations.
"But I'd like to. Waking up next to you and not sneaking out, bringing you breakfast, watching you work. That sounds like a good time." He likes the thought of them doing something so mundane as just coexisting, because, honestly, Erik had never thought that he could have such a love. He'd not considered that he could have a normal, functional relationship.
It makes him reconsider possibilities, and think that maybe he could settle down, when they get home, that maybe it was always Charles that he was meant to do so with.
Of course spending time with Erik, and just Erik alone for once, is exactly what he wants. They haven't had much time to themselves at all, so this will be a nice change. There are a lot more of them living in the mansion now since he'd taken in Emma and the rest of her gang, and there's always something to deal with when it comes to the lot of them. When Erik shifts to rest against him again, this time, Charles wraps his arms around the man, hugging him close, and he presses a kiss to the top of his head.
"I'd like that very much. I suppose this is sort of like the calm before the storm, isn't it?" Once they're back at the mansion, they're both going to be busy with recruiting students into the school. Charles wants Erik to come along with him to meet with some of the parents of these young mutants he'd managed to locate via Cerebro. They're going to have to work together to convince both mom and dad that they ought to let their children join them at the school. It'll be an easy enough task for most, but for a few others, well, it could prove to be somewhat difficult, and there's a chance they might not be able to get them all.
"We really ought to take advantage of this time we have together then. Who knows when we'll have the opportunity to take another vacation..." It hadn't been easy to decide to leave Raven with the kids, but he's built enough trust with Emma to know that he isn't going to come home and find the mansion in complete disarray.
"Azazel offered to bring me to Oxford and back via his usual methods, but I'm glad I decided to charter us a plane instead. Did he tell you I lost my breakfast all over him when he decided it was a good idea to teleport me to my meeting last Friday?" Because he was late. Because Erik had sneaked into his bedroom the night before. Because they didn't get any sleep until it was half past six in the morning.
A vacation sounds nice, and normal. Really, really normal. He doesn't know how to deal with normal sometimes, or slowing down, or just... any of those things that most people excel at. He's always on, always alert, always ready to turn on a dime.
But Charles is by his side, a calming presence, a balm. He could get used to this. He could relax, and just take a deep breath, and slough off this rough exterior that he's garnered for himself. The kids have helped too, but he owes most of this change to Charles. Charles, who guides everyone through things, who is always so very level.
Maybe it'll train Erik to integrate back into society, and not in the way he's in it, as an actor, always fitting into whatever role he's decided for himself in order to perform. It always feels like a performance. And finally, now, he's discussing vacations, and biking, and just being, just existing. Charles is getting to show him a world in which he can, after all.
"I knew I should've woken you up." He grins, a wry one, but his eyes are soft. He never smiles like this for anyone else. "I will, next time." He'll be glad if these are the only problems that they have: Charles waking up late, Azazel taking him via inconvenient means.
"And I promise, if you're so easily nauseated, we don't have to go on a boat." Because now he's thinking of all the other things they could be doing in Oxford: going to restaurants, maybe finding a bar, visiting some of Charles' old haunts. It'll be a grand time. He's actually kind of looking forward to it.
"I'm not easily nauseated. You try being abruptly teleported after downing a cup of coffee in a rush and scoffing down two pancakes, and we'll see if you don't end up throwing up." He chuckles softly as he remembers what a chaotic day that was. By the time he got home, everyone was asleep, except Erik. When he'd opened the door before he could get the keys in, Charles had been relieved and happy to see the man that he'd gone in for a hug almost immediately. He remembers thinking that he could get used to being welcomed home like that. It was what had prompted him to consider letting Raven know about what's been going on between them. Of course he'd only blurted it out after she'd almost caught them in bed last night, but still. He would've told her eventually.
"That is to say, yes, we can go on that boat ride. I'd like that very much." The last time they were both on a boat, it was right after he’d pulled Erik out of the water in the middle of the bloody ocean. This time, they're not going to be sitting across from each other with their teeth chattering and shivering. What was it Raven had said? That they made quite the pair even back then, looking like two drowned rats.
"I've never actually taken anyone out on a proper date before. Looks like you're going to be the first." He reaches for Erik's hand, intertwining their fingers together. It's not that there weren't plenty of opportunities for him to take someone out, he was just never interested in doing that, and whoever he had ended up in bed with before was just someone he'd randomly met on the day. No strings attached.
"It must be because I like you a fair bit. Or a lot." Definitely a lot, he thinks, as he's looking at Erik.
"You've never taken anyone on a date before?" he asks, looking extremely dubious of this fact. "Even I've done that." Not for many times in a row. More like once or twice, usually just to dinner and then to his place or theirs, and he usually doesn't call the next morning, or at all.
But those still count as dates, because there was courting involved. It did involve meeting people afterward from an initial encounter.
But maybe they can talk more on their boat ride, which he's looking forward to. He'll paddle them upstream in the river, and they can float down the rest of the way. He's happy to do all the rowing, maybe let Charles read to him while he does so. It'll be a nice, idyllic afternoon.
"But I'm happy to be your first." He leans up a bit, and presses a kiss to Charles' lips. He's several of Erik's firsts as well, so it's fair, he thinks, to have some of Charles'. He's Erik's first lover who's a man after all, and the first person he's ever settled down with, the first person he'd ever say he loved the way someone is supposed to love a life partner. Which is why he says, in a playful way, eyebrow raised: "I like you too."
He's not surprised that Erik might be an expert at wining and dining and has probably gone on a few dates. Charles, on the other hand, hasn't really bothered to do that for good reason. Part of it was because Raven didn't particularly like it whenever he'd hang around someone else for too long. Mostly, it was due to the fact he can read minds, and so, it seemed a waste of time to "get to know someone". It's why he didn't have any friends either. Of course, things are different now. He's learned the value of friendship and family, and being part of a team.
Charles smiles against Erik's lips and thinks that he definitely more than likes Erik. He's possibly very much in love with him. He shifts around slightly in order to cradle Erik's face in his hands as he kisses him back, more firmly this time. It's not enough to simply show it though. He thinks it's important to let Erik know because he's fairly certain about it now, and so Charles creates a mental link between them, a telepathic connection, and tells him so.
'I love you.' Plain and simple. He does love this man, and this man alone. There's really no one else he wants to be with. Not now. Not ever.
Just like that, those three little words, spoken directly into his mind instead of filtered through air, make his whole face blossom like spring. It feels like a whole weight is shifted off of his chest, to hear these words in Charles's heart, to almost feel them in a way that he doesn't feel words just spoken.
And in his own mind, there is love here in abundance. It's so deep that he can't see the bottom, and as if swimming in an open ocean, that does scare him a little bit. He's not afraid of many things, but somehow this love is both so new and uncharted, and also so delicate and fragile, that he feels apprehensive.
He could launch missiles at thousands of men, he could take a life and not blink an eye, but this? This is the thing that has his stomach turning into knots, squirming until it becomes butterflies. 'I know,' he projects, instinctually. And then, after a moment of bravery, he gathers up all his feelings and thinks, 'I love you too.'
It's perfect timing that Hank's serum has started to wear off enough for him to be able to use his telepathy again. He hadn't expected for Erik to say it back. In fact, he'd thought the man might have gone into panic mode even, and so Charles actually leans back a little to look at him, surprised somewhat. The point of him telling Erik had been because he'd simply wanted him to know. Knowing now that the feeling's mutual between them has Charles feeling incredibly happy though.
"You really are so good to me." He's never had anyone to love like this, and no one's ever loved him this way either. "Now I should tell you this, Erik. It looks like you're not going to get much sleep tonight either." Certainly not if he gets his way with him. Charles gives Erik a bit of a cheeky smile then. "Last chance for a nap, my love."
Erik honestly isn't expecting to have such strong feelings for Charles, either, but there they are, plain as day. But then Charles has to say that, and Erik's smile grows wider and also a little darker in nature.
"All right," he says, reaching up for Charles' face to hold his cheek, and kiss his lips, quick, chaste. "Fine. But only because I want to make sure I have a lot of energy for tonight." He still has his eyes trained on Charles' lips, and then leans in again, trying to claim another one that's slightly less rushed.
It feels like a privilege to be able to kiss Erik anytime during the day like this, so he's not going to refuse him, of course. They've got this part of the plane all to themselves, so there's no need to worry about anyone seeing them together. Besides, if someone does head over to the back of the plane, Charles will simply hide them from sight.
As he deepens the kiss, he slides his hand up Erik's thigh, playfully deciding to give him a good imagery of all that he plans on doing with him tonight. Perhaps they’ll attempt to christen every part of the apartment, starting with his old study. Wouldn't he like to have Erik lean against his desk as he gets down on his knees in front of him? Or maybe they'll just head straight to his bedroom for some loud and shameless lovemaking? For once, Erik wouldn't need to tell him to shush. They've really had to be so careful before.
Or maybe, just maybe, Charles can try to convince Erik to let him be the one to fuck him for a change. He'll promise it'll be good.
Erik lets Charles flood his thoughts with all these delicious ideas, and he holds onto each one. In fact, he even gets a little unmistakable thrum of excitement thinking about being on the receiving end for once. After all, for him, it's about trust. It's about letting someone who's just as strong as he is over him, to have that intimacy with him that he had never allowed anyone else.
And he knows that's just in his head, because Charles doesn't have to be on top of him to overpower him. He's strong. And Erik trusts him, fully. But that's something that's just in his past, that he needs to get over - not in a sexual way, but he remembers it still, being held down to a table, feeling vulnerable, feeling like parts of him were being pulled apart.
"Just," he says, trying to shut those thoughts off because he knows they have nothing to do with their love. He knows it's just intrusive thoughts. "Just give me a little time. I'll warm up to it."
"Of course." Charles leans away slightly to look at Erik then. He completely understands. What happened to him as a child had been a traumatic event, and killing Shaw hadn't fixed that. Erik still has those nightmares. Sometimes Erik would wake up in the middle of the night covered in cold sweat, but Charles is always there to help calm him down, just as he's doing now, trying to keep his focus on the present, not on the past.
"We have all the time in the world. I'm not going anywhere." He rubs his thumb over Erik's cheek affectionately, and he presses a quick kiss to his lips before he reaches down to grab at the blanket that had slid off their lap, tugging it over Erik's shoulder to get him comfortable.
"Now, where was I..." Charles says as he picks up his book again, looking to read another few chapters before joining Erik for a nap. They've a few more hours before they're in Oxford and it'll be late afternoon by the time they get there. He wants to drop by the store to buy some basic toiletries before heading to the apartment, and then they'll need to open all the windows because no one's been there for months. He really hopes the place isn't a terrible mess. He can't remember if he'd bothered to clean up before he'd left in a hurry after meeting Moira.
He's happy in that he's found a partner in Charles who's so very understanding, who can always just take a look inside his mind to see. And yes, sometimes he relies on that too often, but Erik has decided that he's going to learn to live with those moments, and try not to hold them against Charles.
He's going to try and be more understanding of him in return.
And so, he gives Charles a sweet kiss before he moves to find somewhere to lay his head, as he's promised to be up for lots of activities later, once they get to Oxford. He thinks it'll be nice, getting to spend all this time with Charles, as lovers do on vacation.
It'll make their relationship seem more 'real'... and he's never needed the approval of others, never thought that they were less legitimate because they weren't public, but he still enjoys the idea of getting to do the normal things other couples do. That's all he's ever wanted: to live a normal life, to be left alone to do so.
This bit of normalcy is exactly what they need after that whole mess in Cuba. Now that he's managed to make everyone forget who they are, they're safe from the government coming after them. There's no need for them to worry that they'd be hunted down and imprisoned somewhere. Charles has vowed to do whatever he can to keep them protected. He still believes and hopes that someday they'll be able to be accepted into society, but for now, he'll keep his focus on building the school first. Baby steps.
It's raining cats and dogs by the time they get to Oxford and out of the airport, so it's straight to the mall they go for some shopping and a quick meal. Charles had taken more of Hank's serum before they'd landed because it would be inconvenient otherwise and he wants to be able to show Erik around.
"Are you sure we've got everything we need?" Charles had grabbed all the basic necessities and tossed them into the basket. He really hadn't bothered to pack anything but some clothes and books. "Condoms, Erik? Ooh, I know we'll be needing these..." He'll reach for the band-aids because Erik has a tendency to get himself hurt. If it's not a razor cut from a bad shave, it's accidentally cutting his finger in the kitchen or getting into some kind of a fight. Except now he can't blame Hank or Logan for any of it.
"Yes, Charles, I've packed everything we'll need. Including band-aids," he says, pulling them out of the basket. He puts the condoms back too, because he'd packed plenty and because he thinks it's a little bit odd for them to show up to buy it as if they're a couple. They are, but he thinks it's a bit dangerous for them to do something so brazenly public.
He knows Charles could just erase this person's memories, but Erik is always hiding in the shadows, trying not to stand out until it's time to strike. He doesn't want to live this way, of course, but he's always felt like he's had to hide a part of who he is. His judaism, his mutantism, his sexuality.
In some ways, he feels like all the things he identifies with are still a trap. And he'd hate to have to ruin Oxford for Charles. "We'll pick up some groceries also," he says. "If the rain continues on like this. No biking into the city tomorrow."
Erik somehow being the more responsible and careful one between them makes Charles smile a little, but he doesn't say anything; simply moves along to get whatever else they might need.
"I should have checked the weather report," he murmurs the words out while deciding between getting the 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner or just the more expensive shampoo and standalone conditioner. He decides on the latter. "Whatever will we do if we're going to be stuck indoors all day, Erik..." Honestly, he's not too disappointed about that as long he's got Erik with him, but he's going to hope for some better weather this week because it would be nice for them to go biking around town.
"But all right. Groceries. Good idea. I was thinking I'll make us breakfast tomorrow." How hard is it to make pancakes, right? Well. He might just be a bit too ambitious. It'll probably be more like brunch if anything because he does plan on sleeping in. After all, it'll just be the two of them, and he's looking forward to some peace and quiet at last. No Sean and Alex screaming at the top of their lungs about being hungry every few hours, as if Erik's their personal chef. Charles had told the boys they needed to learn how to cook for themselves, and thankfully, so far, they've managed to not burn down the kitchen the last few times they tried. Not that they didn't ruin some of Erik's favourite pots and pans...
"We should probably call home later and check in with the kids and make sure they're not getting into any trouble." It hasn't even been a day and Charles is already worried. "Then again, I suppose Emma would let us know if something comes up." Besides, he already knows Raven would have issues with him checking in on them, as if she can't be trusted to be an adult. They'd been having enough of these sort of arguments as of late.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
He presses his lips together, frowning slightly as he thinks of how to begin with answering that question. He doesn't like thinking back to that day on the beach, in Cuba. He doesn't like remembering what it felt like to have Shaw in his mind right as he died. For weeks, what happened that day had haunted his dreams at night. When before he was drinking before bed to quiet his mind, he'd started drinking more than usual in an effort to simply forget everything.
"I'm aware that mistakes were made that day. What happened, and how things escalated, was as much my fault as it was yours. Erik, what I said to you, about those men, that they were just following orders. I shouldn't have said that. It was careless of me. I only realised what that meant for you after I'd said it. And for that, I'm sorry." Men following orders had been the reason why Erik and so many others had lost their loved ones.
"Plain and simple, my darling, I wanted you to come back with us because it's where you belong. I don't want us to fight against each other. I know we're bound to disagree on some things, but I hope it never escalates to the point where we can't forgive one another. Because I don't blame you for what happened to me. It was an accident. And I'm not just saying that because I'm able to walk again. I know this is temporary. Still, I'm not going to feel any differently about you when that changes." And hopefully, Erik won't either. He hadn't exactly been the best company during that time when he was paralysed. Sure, he'd been fine for the first week, but then he'd started getting irritable and every attempt to help him was met with a glare, and he had been so stubborn about letting anyone do anything for him because he hadn't liked feeling so helpless.
"The thing is, I just can't imagine not having you around. I mean, I have gotten incredibly spoiled by your excellent skills in the... kitchen." He's definitely not thinking about the kitchen. "Besides, you said you wanted me by your side. I want that too."
no subject
Well, okay, he still places most of the blame on Moira, who shot at him despite knowing his powers.
But now's not the time to have such discussions. Not when Charles is calling him darling and alluding to his skills in areas that are decidedly not the kitchen. Really, Charles. He wonders if he thinks that there's some other telepath nearby that might be scandalized, either by the idea that they have sex or that they enjoy it.
He reaches over to gently squeeze Charles' hand, since no one is around to see it, but he thinks he could use the support. It was a near thing, his leaving: he had made a choice on that beach, but he had almost made the other one. It would've caused him regrets, yes, but at the time he'd felt so monstrous, so dejected, that it almost felt like the only choice to make.
He's glad Charles can't pull that thought out of his mind.
"I do want you by my side, Charles. No one is like you are to me." Not just as a lover, but as a friend. If Erik believed in such things, he would say Charles is his soulmate, cut from the opposite side of the cloth from which he himself was made. He looks at their hands - Charles', the hands of a scholar, are soft, and Erik's are rough and worn with work. So he lifts his hand instead, and presses kisses to his knuckles, gently.
no subject
As Erik takes his hand and kisses his knuckles, Charles thinks that he's never really known love like this. Not that they've said those three words out loud to each other just yet, but he certainly feels it. No one would think Erik capable of being kind and gentle and loving, but Charles does. He knows Erik cares for him very much and he feels the exact same way about him.
"You mean a great deal to me, Erik." He moves his hand to brush his thumb across the man's cheek. "I know this might sound terribly corny, but I do believe you've changed my life for the better, and I don't think I could be any happier than I am now." He smiles at him in an adoring way. "I am ever so glad I met you, my dear friend. But..." He then pinches Erik's cheek, albeit gently. "You do realise I've had to convince you to stay twice now. I hope you're not going to make a habit of this."
no subject
But, in essence, he is just a man, and Charles sees through to the heart of him. He knows this, but even then, it's difficult for him to believe sometimes, to really comprehend that he's there for him, that he understands, that there isn't a need to turn tail and run without so much as leaving a note. Because that is how Erik operates, that is how he needs to in order to survive.
"I'll try." That's not really an answer, but it's the only one he can give at the moment.
He does know that he loves Charles, loves him more than he's loved anyone else before. He knows that Charles is good for him, that much is true, that he has hope when he's with Charles. "I've never felt more safe," he says. "Than when I am with you." And like maybe he can find a place to be free, because even though he isn't tied down anywhere, sometimes the rest of the world just feels like a gilded cage. How does he explain that to Charles?
no subject
"Now let's play a game. And don't bother saying you'll go easy on me because you never do." Charles starts by moving one of his pawns, sort of carelessly, not giving it much thought, deciding to keep it simple at first. The challenging moves can come later when Erik least expects it.
A couple of games and a few more drinks later, and Charles is reading a book out loud while seated next to Erik. He's put a blanket over the man and pulled up the armrest so they can get comfortable next to each other. "You know, the point of me reading to you is so you'll get some sleep. It'll be hours before we land and we both know you didn't get much rest last night." Sean had accidentally broken his bedroom window, again, and he'd insisted that Erik fix it right away because he wasn't going to share a room with Alex. Charles had only found out about it in the morning when the boys had told him about it.
no subject
A couple games later, Erik's got his head cradled against Charles' shoulder, and he isn't falling asleep, but he does want to continue listening to his voice.
"I know," he says, brushing off Charles' concern. "But it's not a problem. I've survived on less." He turns his face in towards Charles a little bit, and he doesn't want to say aloud that now that they're both awake, he doesn't want to miss a moment, even if that means losing out on a little sleep. It's a small price to pay.
no subject
"It's a good thing we're just going to be spending time in my flat in Oxford. I suppose there'll be plenty of opportunities for you to catch up on some sleep then." He turns to the next page of the short novel and continues reading for a bit more before he puts the book down, deciding to focus his attention on Erik instead. If the man's not going to sleep, they might as well talk. But before that, he'll steal some quick kisses first. They're in their own private corner of the chartered plane, so this is perfectly fine.
"Do you know what Raven said when I told her about us? She said she suspected it for weeks because she smelled my shampoo on you. Of all things. I would've thought it would've been the fact we'd start a game of chess but never quite finish it..." He supposes no one pays attention to the chessboard in his study. Or that one time the books were in a haphazard pile on the floor right next to his desk.
no subject
"I'll sleep when you sleep," he resolves, leaning up from where he'd reclined on Charles' chest to kiss him gently. "You know, we should have a bike ride." Oxford's kind of a small town, so it won't be a long one, but he thinks it'll be nice for the two of them to ride around, maybe check out the clock tower.
He doesn't know what else they'll be doing there but research, and staying in so that they can have lots of private time in their well-sound-proofed living quarters. It doesn't sound like a bad shake, and in fact, sounds perfectly like a nice, relaxing vacation. He imagines Charles will get some work done, and maybe Erik will start some writings as well.
no subject
He runs his fingers through Erik's hair, enjoying the little kisses shared between them, and he smiles at the suggestion they go biking around town. Well, that's something he'd never done while he'd been at Oxford. Charles thinks he'd be more than happy to go for a bike ride with his... boyfriend, is it?
"That sounds like a fun idea. I should show you the sights and take you to my favourite pub of course." He really did love his time at Oxford, and if he hadn't met Moira, he probably wouldn't have chosen to return to New York. Instead, he likely would've found a teaching position in Oxford even. But things are even better now, and he's looking forward to a future with Erik and the rest of the mutants at the mansion.
"How about we turn this into a mini vacation for us? I'd love to spoil you." The main reason for returning to Oxford is to complete his research, tidy up the place, pack up his belongings and head home. But well, perhaps there's no need to rush all of that and they can stay on for a few extra days.
no subject
He offers Charles a little kiss before he settles back against his shoulder, half on his chest, soaking in all his touches and physical affectations.
"But I'd like to. Waking up next to you and not sneaking out, bringing you breakfast, watching you work. That sounds like a good time." He likes the thought of them doing something so mundane as just coexisting, because, honestly, Erik had never thought that he could have such a love. He'd not considered that he could have a normal, functional relationship.
It makes him reconsider possibilities, and think that maybe he could settle down, when they get home, that maybe it was always Charles that he was meant to do so with.
no subject
"I'd like that very much. I suppose this is sort of like the calm before the storm, isn't it?" Once they're back at the mansion, they're both going to be busy with recruiting students into the school. Charles wants Erik to come along with him to meet with some of the parents of these young mutants he'd managed to locate via Cerebro. They're going to have to work together to convince both mom and dad that they ought to let their children join them at the school. It'll be an easy enough task for most, but for a few others, well, it could prove to be somewhat difficult, and there's a chance they might not be able to get them all.
"We really ought to take advantage of this time we have together then. Who knows when we'll have the opportunity to take another vacation..." It hadn't been easy to decide to leave Raven with the kids, but he's built enough trust with Emma to know that he isn't going to come home and find the mansion in complete disarray.
"Azazel offered to bring me to Oxford and back via his usual methods, but I'm glad I decided to charter us a plane instead. Did he tell you I lost my breakfast all over him when he decided it was a good idea to teleport me to my meeting last Friday?" Because he was late. Because Erik had sneaked into his bedroom the night before. Because they didn't get any sleep until it was half past six in the morning.
no subject
But Charles is by his side, a calming presence, a balm. He could get used to this. He could relax, and just take a deep breath, and slough off this rough exterior that he's garnered for himself. The kids have helped too, but he owes most of this change to Charles. Charles, who guides everyone through things, who is always so very level.
Maybe it'll train Erik to integrate back into society, and not in the way he's in it, as an actor, always fitting into whatever role he's decided for himself in order to perform. It always feels like a performance. And finally, now, he's discussing vacations, and biking, and just being, just existing. Charles is getting to show him a world in which he can, after all.
"I knew I should've woken you up." He grins, a wry one, but his eyes are soft. He never smiles like this for anyone else. "I will, next time." He'll be glad if these are the only problems that they have: Charles waking up late, Azazel taking him via inconvenient means.
"And I promise, if you're so easily nauseated, we don't have to go on a boat." Because now he's thinking of all the other things they could be doing in Oxford: going to restaurants, maybe finding a bar, visiting some of Charles' old haunts. It'll be a grand time. He's actually kind of looking forward to it.
no subject
"That is to say, yes, we can go on that boat ride. I'd like that very much." The last time they were both on a boat, it was right after he’d pulled Erik out of the water in the middle of the bloody ocean. This time, they're not going to be sitting across from each other with their teeth chattering and shivering. What was it Raven had said? That they made quite the pair even back then, looking like two drowned rats.
"I've never actually taken anyone out on a proper date before. Looks like you're going to be the first." He reaches for Erik's hand, intertwining their fingers together. It's not that there weren't plenty of opportunities for him to take someone out, he was just never interested in doing that, and whoever he had ended up in bed with before was just someone he'd randomly met on the day. No strings attached.
"It must be because I like you a fair bit. Or a lot." Definitely a lot, he thinks, as he's looking at Erik.
no subject
But those still count as dates, because there was courting involved. It did involve meeting people afterward from an initial encounter.
But maybe they can talk more on their boat ride, which he's looking forward to. He'll paddle them upstream in the river, and they can float down the rest of the way. He's happy to do all the rowing, maybe let Charles read to him while he does so. It'll be a nice, idyllic afternoon.
"But I'm happy to be your first." He leans up a bit, and presses a kiss to Charles' lips. He's several of Erik's firsts as well, so it's fair, he thinks, to have some of Charles'. He's Erik's first lover who's a man after all, and the first person he's ever settled down with, the first person he'd ever say he loved the way someone is supposed to love a life partner. Which is why he says, in a playful way, eyebrow raised: "I like you too."
no subject
Charles smiles against Erik's lips and thinks that he definitely more than likes Erik. He's possibly very much in love with him. He shifts around slightly in order to cradle Erik's face in his hands as he kisses him back, more firmly this time. It's not enough to simply show it though. He thinks it's important to let Erik know because he's fairly certain about it now, and so Charles creates a mental link between them, a telepathic connection, and tells him so.
'I love you.' Plain and simple. He does love this man, and this man alone. There's really no one else he wants to be with. Not now. Not ever.
no subject
And in his own mind, there is love here in abundance. It's so deep that he can't see the bottom, and as if swimming in an open ocean, that does scare him a little bit. He's not afraid of many things, but somehow this love is both so new and uncharted, and also so delicate and fragile, that he feels apprehensive.
He could launch missiles at thousands of men, he could take a life and not blink an eye, but this? This is the thing that has his stomach turning into knots, squirming until it becomes butterflies. 'I know,' he projects, instinctually. And then, after a moment of bravery, he gathers up all his feelings and thinks, 'I love you too.'
no subject
"You really are so good to me." He's never had anyone to love like this, and no one's ever loved him this way either. "Now I should tell you this, Erik. It looks like you're not going to get much sleep tonight either." Certainly not if he gets his way with him. Charles gives Erik a bit of a cheeky smile then. "Last chance for a nap, my love."
no subject
"All right," he says, reaching up for Charles' face to hold his cheek, and kiss his lips, quick, chaste. "Fine. But only because I want to make sure I have a lot of energy for tonight." He still has his eyes trained on Charles' lips, and then leans in again, trying to claim another one that's slightly less rushed.
no subject
As he deepens the kiss, he slides his hand up Erik's thigh, playfully deciding to give him a good imagery of all that he plans on doing with him tonight. Perhaps they’ll attempt to christen every part of the apartment, starting with his old study. Wouldn't he like to have Erik lean against his desk as he gets down on his knees in front of him? Or maybe they'll just head straight to his bedroom for some loud and shameless lovemaking? For once, Erik wouldn't need to tell him to shush. They've really had to be so careful before.
Or maybe, just maybe, Charles can try to convince Erik to let him be the one to fuck him for a change. He'll promise it'll be good.
no subject
And he knows that's just in his head, because Charles doesn't have to be on top of him to overpower him. He's strong. And Erik trusts him, fully. But that's something that's just in his past, that he needs to get over - not in a sexual way, but he remembers it still, being held down to a table, feeling vulnerable, feeling like parts of him were being pulled apart.
"Just," he says, trying to shut those thoughts off because he knows they have nothing to do with their love. He knows it's just intrusive thoughts. "Just give me a little time. I'll warm up to it."
no subject
"We have all the time in the world. I'm not going anywhere." He rubs his thumb over Erik's cheek affectionately, and he presses a quick kiss to his lips before he reaches down to grab at the blanket that had slid off their lap, tugging it over Erik's shoulder to get him comfortable.
"Now, where was I..." Charles says as he picks up his book again, looking to read another few chapters before joining Erik for a nap. They've a few more hours before they're in Oxford and it'll be late afternoon by the time they get there. He wants to drop by the store to buy some basic toiletries before heading to the apartment, and then they'll need to open all the windows because no one's been there for months. He really hopes the place isn't a terrible mess. He can't remember if he'd bothered to clean up before he'd left in a hurry after meeting Moira.
no subject
He's going to try and be more understanding of him in return.
And so, he gives Charles a sweet kiss before he moves to find somewhere to lay his head, as he's promised to be up for lots of activities later, once they get to Oxford. He thinks it'll be nice, getting to spend all this time with Charles, as lovers do on vacation.
It'll make their relationship seem more 'real'... and he's never needed the approval of others, never thought that they were less legitimate because they weren't public, but he still enjoys the idea of getting to do the normal things other couples do. That's all he's ever wanted: to live a normal life, to be left alone to do so.
no subject
It's raining cats and dogs by the time they get to Oxford and out of the airport, so it's straight to the mall they go for some shopping and a quick meal. Charles had taken more of Hank's serum before they'd landed because it would be inconvenient otherwise and he wants to be able to show Erik around.
"Are you sure we've got everything we need?" Charles had grabbed all the basic necessities and tossed them into the basket. He really hadn't bothered to pack anything but some clothes and books. "Condoms, Erik? Ooh, I know we'll be needing these..." He'll reach for the band-aids because Erik has a tendency to get himself hurt. If it's not a razor cut from a bad shave, it's accidentally cutting his finger in the kitchen or getting into some kind of a fight. Except now he can't blame Hank or Logan for any of it.
no subject
He knows Charles could just erase this person's memories, but Erik is always hiding in the shadows, trying not to stand out until it's time to strike. He doesn't want to live this way, of course, but he's always felt like he's had to hide a part of who he is. His judaism, his mutantism, his sexuality.
In some ways, he feels like all the things he identifies with are still a trap. And he'd hate to have to ruin Oxford for Charles. "We'll pick up some groceries also," he says. "If the rain continues on like this. No biking into the city tomorrow."
no subject
"I should have checked the weather report," he murmurs the words out while deciding between getting the 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner or just the more expensive shampoo and standalone conditioner. He decides on the latter. "Whatever will we do if we're going to be stuck indoors all day, Erik..." Honestly, he's not too disappointed about that as long he's got Erik with him, but he's going to hope for some better weather this week because it would be nice for them to go biking around town.
"But all right. Groceries. Good idea. I was thinking I'll make us breakfast tomorrow." How hard is it to make pancakes, right? Well. He might just be a bit too ambitious. It'll probably be more like brunch if anything because he does plan on sleeping in. After all, it'll just be the two of them, and he's looking forward to some peace and quiet at last. No Sean and Alex screaming at the top of their lungs about being hungry every few hours, as if Erik's their personal chef. Charles had told the boys they needed to learn how to cook for themselves, and thankfully, so far, they've managed to not burn down the kitchen the last few times they tried. Not that they didn't ruin some of Erik's favourite pots and pans...
"We should probably call home later and check in with the kids and make sure they're not getting into any trouble." It hasn't even been a day and Charles is already worried. "Then again, I suppose Emma would let us know if something comes up." Besides, he already knows Raven would have issues with him checking in on them, as if she can't be trusted to be an adult. They'd been having enough of these sort of arguments as of late.
(no subject)