You sound like a bitter old man who hasn't had sex in over seventy years. Oh, wait. You are that man. ( he gives him a wink. ) And I've probably been there, done that. I don't know. I've definitely slept with a ridiculous number of celebrities back in my twenties, thirties. I'm steering clear of that crowd. I don't do repeats. ( for someone who doesn't like it when he talks about his sex life, steve here seems to keep poking at the hornet's nest. )
Except, you know, with the rare few people who get me. Who can deal with me. Despite the fact that I'm a handful. You know they all end up dead in this one? ( it's not a spoiler if it's a lie. )
I guess you don't know the first about having a fling, huh? ( steve doesn't seem to get that katya's perfectly fine with the way things are. they're not at all exclusive even. in fact, she's likely screwing someone else right about now. )
And they turn into zombies. You know. The living dead. It's a whole thing. ( he tosses more popcorn into his mouth. ) There's also a sex scene in here. You might want to close your eyes for that one. ( god, he's awful. this is probably all the reasons why they don't hang out much. or at all. )
Maybe you just don't know what you're missing. ( he raises his eyebrows slightly at that. what? it's true. judging by what he's heard, the guy's practically a virgin. that one time he had sex decades ago really doesn't count for much. not that tony doesn't respect his decision to want to wait for the one, but at the rate that steve's not going out and not putting himself out there, the one might never make an appearance in his life. seems like a damn shame is all he's thinking. )
They'll be turning into little dino-men by the end of this. Like a T-Rex, but with proper arms. Things are gonna get even more complicated in the next one. We're in for a wild ride here, mister. ( he's such a goddamn bullshitter. it's surprising how steve falls for it every time. guy's adorable. )
[ It's not even about finding the one, but he does want a partner who actually wants to come to his birthday parties and come visit him in the hospital and aimlessly scroll through Netflix with him to reject every single thing he wants to watch.
Though he's starting to feel some of that at the moment, with Tony spoiling Jurassic Park so much that Steve isn't sure he wants to continue. ]
The movie's really lost the plot, then. And why are you telling me all this when I'm about to see it happen?
Just because you think you know something doesn't mean it won't blow your mind when you actually experience it for yourself. ( is he talking about casual sex here or the movie? hm. tony smirks a little and settles back on the couch again to chew on more popcorn.
he just thinks steve here needs to loosen up a little. a major part of his attitude's seem to still be stuck in the past. he gets that it hasn't been that long since the man got pulled out of the ice, but come on. it's the 21st century, for god's sake. guy can't even stand it when he hears the word fuck coming out of tony's mouth, which happens a lot in the early mornings. usually because he's cranky from lack of sleep or no sleep. )
[ He has loosened up, quite a lot. But Steve is just this way, at heart. He's kind of a square. He likes going to sleep early. He usually attends church on Sundays. He doesn't like people putting their feet up on the dashboard or talking in movie theaters.
And he is a staunch monogamist who unironically would rather call sex making love than say fuck. ]
I'm not dumb, Tony, and I'm not going to bed with you so you have someone on your to-do list before your afterparty.
It's New York, there's an open bar you can try to pick up anyone else at.
I wasn't putting myself up on offer just now, but I'm thrilled that thought occurred in your head. ( he stretches his arm out, resting it on the back of the couch as he decides to focus all of his attention on steve. it's the guy's own fault, if anything. ) Now that we're on the subject. What, am I not good enough for you? You think I've got loose morals? I'm sleazy? Is that it?
Come on, judgy-pants. Tell me how you really feel.
( steve keeps saying that, but then he also keeps bringing katya up, so whose fault is it, really? tony lives and breathes for these conversations though. riling steve up, teasing the man, it's turning out to be one of his favorite pastimes. )
Let me just say, that it's good you want a relationship. That's real healthy. ( he's proud of him. whatever. ) But you're not exactly putting yourself out there, are you? You're sitting here by your lonesome on a Friday night when you should be out there with someone having dinner and getting to know them. ( tony raises his eyebrows slightly as he looks at steve, fixing him with a gaze. he's right, right? he's right. admit it. )
I'm just saying all this as a concerned friend. You should be living your life. Second chances and all. Don't let it go to waste. You wouldn't want to wake up someday when you're actually old and wrinkly before you decide to do something with that gorgeous dick of yours. ( and there we go. he just had to make it weird and break that nice guy talk. )
Not that I've seen it. ( little purse of his lips like he's disappointed that he hasn't. ) But we did make a bet about the size of your dick versus Thor's. ( since cap asked. look, he's just being honest here. ) I put all my money on you. ( he curls his hand into a fist and gives it a little pump, taking the opportunity to lower his gaze to... that bowl of popcorn between them, and he takes another handful from it. )
[ This was kind of a sweet sentiment. He's about to tell Tony so, that maybe he's right, he should take Nat up on some of her offers to get him to go out. He should give those ladies some chances, even if he doesn't think he's quite ready to move on yet.
He had thought he might be, with Sharon, but then thinking about it, he wasn't sure if he'd only been attracted to her in the first place because her features and her attitude reminded him so much of Peggy, on second glance. And that wasn't fair to anybody, and --
-- And then Steve makes a face. ]
Okay, why is anyone on the team discussing my privates?
[ He is now pinching the bridge of his nose. ]
I really did not need to know that, thanks.
[ He distractedly tries to get some popcorn, and touches Tony's hand in the process, but tries to navigate around it. ]
( he shrugs at the bit about everyone and their grandma being curious about the size of steve's dick because that really shouldn't be a surprise. like, has he seen himself in the mirror? )
Hey, there we go. Good start, Romeo. ( points at steve's hand with his index finger. ) The classic date move strategy. You wanna hold someone's hand, but you're too shy to do it. You wait for them to grab the popcorn and you go for it. It's not bad. ( he'll toss a popcorn in his mouth, catching it between his teeth. )
You wanna try out some other stuff? ( tony gives steve a look, like, go for it, tiger. oh, he's so messing with him right now. )
[ He says this bitterly, because he's at the end of his rope with Tony's antics, but that look really gets to him. Tony's just trying to rile him up.
Two can play at this game. ]
But if you did want to go on a date, I'm free tomorrow night. We could get dinner. I'll light a candle, hold your hand, and walk you to your door. But we couldn't be out too late, 'cause I'm planning to be at church Sunday morning. Service is at nine, if you wanna come with me.
Uh... ( well, that was a little unexpected. but his recovery from the shock of steve deciding to play chicken with him right now is a quick one and he's back at it. )
Hold on a minute. When you say, if I wanna come with you, are you referring to church or us getting it on? Because what the hell's the candle for? I'm thinking you like a little hot wax action in bed? ( tony narrows his eyes at him then. steve is playing a very dangerous game right now and he's never gonna win. )
I just think we should talk about what it is you're aiming for here before I decide to slot you into my calendar. Like, should we come up with a safe word?
[ He crosses his arms over his chest. This isn't going as he'd expected, but now he's put some cards on the table and he's going to keep playing. ]
I don't need a safeword.
[ He drops that so casually. ]
But no, I was thinking the candle would provide a little ambiance. And then we'll go to church and I'll introduce you to my pastor. Can't start a relationship with someone my pastor doesn't approve of.
( it's hard to tell if steve's joking or not because he looks so serious. but tony decides he'll keep at it. see where this goes. plus, he's a glutton for punishment. )
Because you're already planning out a June wedding for next year? I guess I wouldn't mind us getting hitched then. You always look amazing with your summertime freckles. We could book the Plaza. Head to Maldives for the honeymoon. ( oh, he's really stepping up the game here now. )
Where are we sending our kid to school? You wanna homeschool the little tyke, or send him off to boarding school the way dad always did it?
Most I'll let you do is private school, but not homeschooled. I want my -- our kids to get to socialize with their peers.
And I want two or three.
Just hoping they don't take after you in the sass department.
[ He's definitely not paying attention to this movie anymore. They could be turning into t-rexes with big arms for all he knows.
It's easy to do this because it's sprinkled through with truth. He wants a few kids. He wants them to attend public school unless they get harassed by virtue of having the ultimate boy scout for a father. ]
( it'd probably be weird for them to be talking about all this if anyone else were in the room, but they're alone, so it's fine. tony likes where this pretend conversation of theirs is going. it's kind of fun. it doesn't scare him. he'd wanted marriage with pepper. he'd wanted a kid with her. or well, he could've wanted that. he figured it would've likely happened if she hadn't decided to call it quits after years of them being together. )
Two or three? You sure you'd be handle that and me? I somehow doubt it.
That's why we'll start with one. And we'll figure out how many we want after that, but I'm thinking we end up with three. We're both only children, right? But wouldn't it have been nice to have a sibling to confide in?
[ And isn't that what Rhodey was for?
Either way, Steve inserting his real wishes into this little game of chicken might get a little too real. He wanted that life so badly going into the ice. Coming out it felt like he could never get it back. And certainly not with whom he wanted. Yes. He's maybe still working through that. ]
( steve's got a point. he did go through a phase where he really wanted a sibling because he'd felt a little lonely, but then he'd met rhodey and the guy's sorta like family to him for sure. )
I'm definitely drawing the line at you starting up your own little league team with our kids. ( one is doable, three already sounds like it'd be too much for him to handle, and any more than that would just be a nightmare or a divorce waiting to happen. )
You don't think we'd be the worst for each other? ( this might be a genuine question even. )
No? You don't want the kids to be able to start a band?
[ Or whatever it is kids do in families with way too many of them. Steve wouldn't know. He assumes he would've gotten siblings if his mother had remarried, or if his father had come home from the war, but he recognizes that modern people tend to have less kids.
Then Tony hits him with that question. ]
No.
[ That's immediate, but it takes him awhile to gather the rest of his thoughts, because he's serious about them, all of a sudden. ]
We clash a lot, sure. And sometimes I don't know when you're joking, and maybe I take everything too seriously. So, we'd have work to do. But if we can just hear each other out more, and learn to compromise, then I think we'd actually be pretty great.
[ But he also means that for them as colleagues, as the two de-facto leaders of the Avengers. ]
( tony's still on the fence regarding how many kids he'd actually want. but he doesn't think he'd want to ever have that many. sure, if he fucks up with the first kid then he can do better with the second. and if he fucks up again, there's always the third, but does he really wanna screw up the lives of that many children? he's just trying to be realistic here. judging by his dad's track record, and he knows for sure the apple didn't fall too far from the tree at all here, he might just be really bad at the whole parenting thing. )
You do take everything a little too seriously, but that's why I'm the jokester. It's a great balance. Plus, I like it when you get all frustrated. ( still don't know if he's being serious or not here, cap? that's too bad. he'll get used to it. maybe. )
So, you'd go out with me? But not with the one thousand and one women Nat's been trying to introduce you to? ( is he looking a bit smug right now? well, yeah. he's not even bothering to hide it. he's steve freaking rogers aka captain america, for god's sake. who would've thought tony stark would be, what's the word, worthy of consideration? he might be arrogant and full of himself, but even he wouldn't have ever thought he'd be steve's type. ) You really want to do this?
[ Oh, he definitely knows that Tony likes when he's flustered. That's absolutely the truth. There's no other reason for him to keep pushing how much he wants to bed Steve when the more he says that, the less likely it's going to happen. Steve doesn't wear down, Steve just gets more stubborn. ]
Are you actually asking me on a date, or is this part of the game you're playing?
[ He narrows his eyes a bit, because it could just be a joke. But honestly, he did walk into this whole talking about a relationship thing. And Nat, bless her, tries so hard. It's not any of the individual women's faults, it's just that he hates first dates and he hates that he still compares them all to Peggy. Even when he's having a good time, he'll smile and there will be a sudden intrusive thought: that sounds like something Peggy would have said.
And he supposes that he used to think of Tony like that, but in terms of Howard. Accidentally, and never out loud. He's taking that one to the grave. But he doesn't anymore.
But there's just one other problem. ]
And no, I don't really.
[ And he does the jaw clench thing like he's annoyed, again. His explanation? ]
Don't you have an afterparty to get ready for?
[ He's not just trying to be next in line, once Katya's out of the picture. ]
( he stays quiet for a long while as he just looks at steve, studying the man's face as he's giving this a whole lot of thought for something he was sure was just a joke to begin with. tony thinks if he were to actually ask steve out on a proper date, if he were to continue to spend the rest of his night here watching a jurassic park marathon with the guy instead of going to that afterparty, that steve would probably agree to it, to spend the evening with him tomorrow, and they could start something, something great, maybe. because steve's a nice guy. nice enough that he wouldn't say no to going out with tony even though deep down steve probably knows he's no good, and that he could really do better.
tony decides that he'll do steve the favor of not ruining his dating life with his complicated bullshit and do them both the favor of not ruining their friendship. plus, steve said he doesn't really want to do this and he looks annoyed right then, so it's easy for tony to take that as a little mini rejection; to quell any desire he has to get to know him better in that way. )
Guess we're gonna have to put a pause on this game of chicken. ( he checks the time on his watch as he gets up from the couch. ) Let me know what you think of the movies once you're done. I probably won't be back here for the weekend, so text me if you need me. But I'll see you on Monday. We got that team briefing in the morning? I'll try not to be late.
Edited (someday... someday i won't hv to edit. but until then... i luv ur inbox x 3000 ig ~ dwi k ;;) 2022-09-20 06:09 (UTC)
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Except, you know, with the rare few people who get me. Who can deal with me. Despite the fact that I'm a handful. You know they all end up dead in this one? ( it's not a spoiler if it's a lie. )
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[ That was out of left field. ]
No, but there's a sequel. How is there a sequel if everyone dies?
[ He's starting to regret movie night. ]
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And they turn into zombies. You know. The living dead. It's a whole thing. ( he tosses more popcorn into his mouth. ) There's also a sex scene in here. You might want to close your eyes for that one. ( god, he's awful. this is probably all the reasons why they don't hang out much. or at all. )
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[ Yes, he's got a lot to unpack here, but that's not Tony's job to help him with. ]
Seems like the plot's really over-complicated.
Wasn't this just about dinosaurs?
[ He continues shoving popcorn in his mouth. ]
Did they genetically re-engineer the dead? Sounds like it becomes a horror movie.
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They'll be turning into little dino-men by the end of this. Like a T-Rex, but with proper arms. Things are gonna get even more complicated in the next one. We're in for a wild ride here, mister. ( he's such a goddamn bullshitter. it's surprising how steve falls for it every time. guy's adorable. )
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[ It's not even about finding the one, but he does want a partner who actually wants to come to his birthday parties and come visit him in the hospital and aimlessly scroll through Netflix with him to reject every single thing he wants to watch.
Though he's starting to feel some of that at the moment, with Tony spoiling Jurassic Park so much that Steve isn't sure he wants to continue. ]
The movie's really lost the plot, then. And why are you telling me all this when I'm about to see it happen?
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he just thinks steve here needs to loosen up a little. a major part of his attitude's seem to still be stuck in the past. he gets that it hasn't been that long since the man got pulled out of the ice, but come on. it's the 21st century, for god's sake. guy can't even stand it when he hears the word fuck coming out of tony's mouth, which happens a lot in the early mornings. usually because he's cranky from lack of sleep or no sleep. )
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And he is a staunch monogamist who unironically would rather call sex making love than say fuck. ]
I'm not dumb, Tony, and I'm not going to bed with you so you have someone on your to-do list before your afterparty.
It's New York, there's an open bar you can try to pick up anyone else at.
Now stop spoiling the movie.
[ He grabs a bit of popcorn. ]
Please.
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Come on, judgy-pants. Tell me how you really feel.
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[ Just an explanation. ]
I've got no problems with what you're doing, but I don't want to hear details. Didn't I already say that? Could've sworn I already said that.
[ But he turns to look at Tony anyway, instead of the movie. ]
Did you make a bet or something?
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Let me just say, that it's good you want a relationship. That's real healthy. ( he's proud of him. whatever. ) But you're not exactly putting yourself out there, are you? You're sitting here by your lonesome on a Friday night when you should be out there with someone having dinner and getting to know them. ( tony raises his eyebrows slightly as he looks at steve, fixing him with a gaze. he's right, right? he's right. admit it. )
I'm just saying all this as a concerned friend. You should be living your life. Second chances and all. Don't let it go to waste. You wouldn't want to wake up someday when you're actually old and wrinkly before you decide to do something with that gorgeous dick of yours. ( and there we go. he just had to make it weird and break that nice guy talk. )
Not that I've seen it. ( little purse of his lips like he's disappointed that he hasn't. ) But we did make a bet about the size of your dick versus Thor's. ( since cap asked. look, he's just being honest here. ) I put all my money on you. ( he curls his hand into a fist and gives it a little pump, taking the opportunity to lower his gaze to... that bowl of popcorn between them, and he takes another handful from it. )
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He had thought he might be, with Sharon, but then thinking about it, he wasn't sure if he'd only been attracted to her in the first place because her features and her attitude reminded him so much of Peggy, on second glance. And that wasn't fair to anybody, and --
-- And then Steve makes a face. ]
Okay, why is anyone on the team discussing my privates?
[ He is now pinching the bridge of his nose. ]
I really did not need to know that, thanks.
[ He distractedly tries to get some popcorn, and touches Tony's hand in the process, but tries to navigate around it. ]
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Hey, there we go. Good start, Romeo. ( points at steve's hand with his index finger. ) The classic date move strategy. You wanna hold someone's hand, but you're too shy to do it. You wait for them to grab the popcorn and you go for it. It's not bad. ( he'll toss a popcorn in his mouth, catching it between his teeth. )
You wanna try out some other stuff? ( tony gives steve a look, like, go for it, tiger. oh, he's so messing with him right now. )
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[ He says this bitterly, because he's at the end of his rope with Tony's antics, but that look really gets to him. Tony's just trying to rile him up.
Two can play at this game. ]
But if you did want to go on a date, I'm free tomorrow night. We could get dinner. I'll light a candle, hold your hand, and walk you to your door. But we couldn't be out too late, 'cause I'm planning to be at church Sunday morning. Service is at nine, if you wanna come with me.
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Hold on a minute. When you say, if I wanna come with you, are you referring to church or us getting it on? Because what the hell's the candle for? I'm thinking you like a little hot wax action in bed? ( tony narrows his eyes at him then. steve is playing a very dangerous game right now and he's never gonna win. )
I just think we should talk about what it is you're aiming for here before I decide to slot you into my calendar. Like, should we come up with a safe word?
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I don't need a safeword.
[ He drops that so casually. ]
But no, I was thinking the candle would provide a little ambiance. And then we'll go to church and I'll introduce you to my pastor. Can't start a relationship with someone my pastor doesn't approve of.
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Because you're already planning out a June wedding for next year? I guess I wouldn't mind us getting hitched then. You always look amazing with your summertime freckles. We could book the Plaza. Head to Maldives for the honeymoon. ( oh, he's really stepping up the game here now. )
Where are we sending our kid to school? You wanna homeschool the little tyke, or send him off to boarding school the way dad always did it?
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Most I'll let you do is private school, but not homeschooled. I want my -- our kids to get to socialize with their peers.
And I want two or three.
Just hoping they don't take after you in the sass department.
[ He's definitely not paying attention to this movie anymore. They could be turning into t-rexes with big arms for all he knows.
It's easy to do this because it's sprinkled through with truth. He wants a few kids. He wants them to attend public school unless they get harassed by virtue of having the ultimate boy scout for a father. ]
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Two or three? You sure you'd be handle that and me? I somehow doubt it.
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[ And isn't that what Rhodey was for?
Either way, Steve inserting his real wishes into this little game of chicken might get a little too real. He wanted that life so badly going into the ice. Coming out it felt like he could never get it back. And certainly not with whom he wanted. Yes. He's maybe still working through that. ]
man. y do i eat words?
I'm definitely drawing the line at you starting up your own little league team with our kids. ( one is doable, three already sounds like it'd be too much for him to handle, and any more than that would just be a nightmare or a divorce waiting to happen. )
You don't think we'd be the worst for each other? ( this might be a genuine question even. )
breakfast of champions
[ Or whatever it is kids do in families with way too many of them. Steve wouldn't know. He assumes he would've gotten siblings if his mother had remarried, or if his father had come home from the war, but he recognizes that modern people tend to have less kids.
Then Tony hits him with that question. ]
No.
[ That's immediate, but it takes him awhile to gather the rest of his thoughts, because he's serious about them, all of a sudden. ]
We clash a lot, sure. And sometimes I don't know when you're joking, and maybe I take everything too seriously. So, we'd have work to do. But if we can just hear each other out more, and learn to compromise, then I think we'd actually be pretty great.
[ But he also means that for them as colleagues, as the two de-facto leaders of the Avengers. ]
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You do take everything a little too seriously, but that's why I'm the jokester. It's a great balance. Plus, I like it when you get all frustrated. ( still don't know if he's being serious or not here, cap? that's too bad. he'll get used to it. maybe. )
So, you'd go out with me? But not with the one thousand and one women Nat's been trying to introduce you to? ( is he looking a bit smug right now? well, yeah. he's not even bothering to hide it. he's steve freaking rogers aka captain america, for god's sake. who would've thought tony stark would be, what's the word, worthy of consideration? he might be arrogant and full of himself, but even he wouldn't have ever thought he'd be steve's type. ) You really want to do this?
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Are you actually asking me on a date, or is this part of the game you're playing?
[ He narrows his eyes a bit, because it could just be a joke. But honestly, he did walk into this whole talking about a relationship thing. And Nat, bless her, tries so hard. It's not any of the individual women's faults, it's just that he hates first dates and he hates that he still compares them all to Peggy. Even when he's having a good time, he'll smile and there will be a sudden intrusive thought: that sounds like something Peggy would have said.
And he supposes that he used to think of Tony like that, but in terms of Howard. Accidentally, and never out loud. He's taking that one to the grave. But he doesn't anymore.
But there's just one other problem. ]
And no, I don't really.
[ And he does the jaw clench thing like he's annoyed, again. His explanation? ]
Don't you have an afterparty to get ready for?
[ He's not just trying to be next in line, once Katya's out of the picture. ]
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tony decides that he'll do steve the favor of not ruining his dating life with his complicated bullshit and do them both the favor of not ruining their friendship. plus, steve said he doesn't really want to do this and he looks annoyed right then, so it's easy for tony to take that as a little mini rejection; to quell any desire he has to get to know him better in that way. )
Guess we're gonna have to put a pause on this game of chicken. ( he checks the time on his watch as he gets up from the couch. ) Let me know what you think of the movies once you're done. I probably won't be back here for the weekend, so text me if you need me. But I'll see you on Monday. We got that team briefing in the morning? I'll try not to be late.
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